10 Love Lessons I wish I knew sooner
Stories and insights I’d share with my younger self
Love and relationships have always intrigued me—ever since I was a young girl, journaling in my notebook, trying to piece together how it all worked. What makes two people click? Why do some connections thrive while others fail?
I’m not here to claim I’ve figured it all out, but I’ve picked up some valuable lessons along the way (my personal favorites are #2 and #10). And if I could offer advice to my 20-year-old self, I’d have so much to say.
Today, on this day of celebrating love in all its forms, I want to share some of those lessons with you— the ones I wish I’d known sooner.
Happy Love Day, friends. 💌
1. You can’t force connection.
No amount of effort, striving, or self-molding will make someone love you. I used to think love was a cause-and-effect equation—if I said the right thing, looked the right way, or perfected my flaws, then they would love me.
When I found myself drawn to people who didn’t want the same things as me—people who weren’t ready or interested in a deeper connection—I’d drive myself crazy trying to figure out why. In her honest, Eastern European way, my mom would tell me, “You could stand on your eyelashes, and they still wouldn’t love you.”
That lesson was both upsetting and freeing. And it applies to romantic love just as much as it applies to friendship.
Connection, real connection, doesn’t need convincing. It just is.
2. Butterflies are deceiving.
That nervous, stomach-twisting feeling? That’s your body’s way of saying proceed with caution – it’s not romance. I mistook chaos for connection for years, thinking the ups and downs equaled depth.
When I met my now-partner, I told him there were no butterflies, no whirlwind—and maybe that meant we weren’t meant to be. His response, “And how did those other relationships turn out?” It brought about a big a-ha.
I chose to embrace peace, and here’s what I learned—healthy love is a balance. Authentic love feels calm, like standing on solid ground, and it’s also filled with excitement.
My greatest advice? Find the kind of love that soothes your nervous system.
3. Love is something you build – not something you find.
We talk about love like it’s a thing we stumble upon, but real love is constructed in everyday moments. The check-ins. The acts of patience. The choosing of each other, again and again.
My partner and I wrote a workbook this past summer on how to build A Love Plan. The reason is that we knew that the initial dopamine surge of initial love would fall behind, and we’d be left with a human at our side. We created a check-in system to ensure we’re aligned and connected on the things that matter most to us and building in the same right direction.
It’s our reminder that love is a series of choices. A practice. An act of showing up with intention.
4. Self-work is the foundation of healthy love.
You'll be disappointed if you’re waiting for love to fill the empty spaces within you. No relationship can erase your insecurities, loneliness, or self-doubt — if anything, it only amplifies what’s already there.
Learning to feel whole on your own before stepping into a healthy, fulfilling connection is important. When you fail to love and accept yourself first, relationships become tangled in attachment, control, or a quiet yearning for something more.
This isn’t about being perfectly healed or free of past traumas — none of us are (and relationships can be a perfect ground for healing).Feeling whole is about creating a space where you find happiness in your own company. It’s about discovering how to live with yourself, showing kindness to your flaws, and unapologetically owning who you are.
5. Love lets people be who they are.
Love is about acceptance, plain and simple. When a relationship begins, we’re often captivated by the other person's essence—fascinated by how they see the world, determined to uncover the hidden layers of who they are. But, as time rolls on, that boundless curiosity can dim. It’s easy to get caught up in the, “If only they would change this one little thing.” Bit by bit, we shift from cherishing them as they are to imagining them as a polished version tailored to meet our preferences.
Love—real love—doesn’t look like that. It’s about carving out the space for someone to exist fully and unapologetically as themselves. And guess what? It’ll never be perfect. You won’t be, and neither will they.
But perfection was never the point, was it? The point has always been to show up as you are—messy edges, cracks, flaws, and all—and to choose each other anyway.
6. Keep your heart open. Always.
When we close our hearts, we stop playing on the frequency of magic and miracles. And yet, the world gives us endless reasons to close off—to protect ourselves from disappointment, rejection, pain. But real love demands the opposite.
Research suggests that the heart’s energy field is 5,000 times more potent than the mind's. When we disconnect from our hearts, decision-making becomes muddled and we lose our way to feel through life.; we lose access to the intuitive signals that guide us toward what’s meant for us.
Keeping your heart open means choosing to love even in moments of frustration, fear, or doubt. It means staying present, surrendering to the wisdom of your feelings, and trusting that your openness will lead you exactly where you need to be.
7. Presence is the ultimate love language.
Thich Nhat Hanh said it best: “Dear one, I am here for you.” Love is in the quiet, everyday moments of truly seeing each other.
For me, love feels deepest when my partner makes time to really listen. When he sees my frustration bubbling and nudges me gently to speak about it. When he asks questions, not to fix, but to understand me better.
The same is true in friendships or with my family. When we give each other undivided attention, away from phones or other distractions, those are the moments when we feel the most connected, and the most seen.
8. Love without conditions.
The love we often encounter in life comes with strings attached. "I’ll love you if you do this," or "I’ll love you when…" It’s transactional.
But at its deepest, truest level, love is the opposite of conditional. It says, "I’ll love you no matter what."
Through the disagreements, the tough seasons, and the messiness of simply being human—this kind of love endures. And if you can offer that kind of unconditional love to just one person, you’ve done something special.
9. Friendship is one of the purest loves. Tend to it.
There’s something so magical about friendship—it’s the kind of love that doesn’t ask for anything in return, where two souls meet to give and connect.
Some of my deepest soulmates haven’t been romantic partners; they’ve been the incredible women I’ve spent years building sisterhood with. I’ve poured my heart into these friendships. Giggles over dinner parties, spontaneous weekend adventures, and the unspoken ease that only comes with being truly seen. My girlfriends and I joke that when we’re in our 80s, we’ll buy a big house together, cook meals as the sun sets, and dance barefoot in the kitchen.
Friendship—when nurtured—is a beautiful thread that weaves throughout time, a constant source of love and joy.
10. What you seek is seeking you.
Whether it’s the Universe conspiring in your favor or the way cognitive biases shape self-fulfilling prophecies, one truth remains: “What you seek is seeking you” (wise words of Sufi poet, Rumi). But first, you must believe it’s possible.
I was single for seven years in my late twenties and early thirties—not because I wasn’t dating, but because I wasn’t willing to settle. I constantly reminded myself: the love you want is out there.
To attract the love you truly desire, do the inner work. Heal the doubts, the self-limiting beliefs, the negative patterns that whisper that love isn’t for you. Work through past pain—whether through meditation, coaching, or reprogramming your subconscious mind—so that when love knocks, you let it in.
Which of these love lessons resonate the most with you? What would you add?
