Butterflies are deceiving.
Butterflies are deceiving.
It's peace we're after.
The beginning of a romantic relationship can give us unique feelings; someone we’ve just met and are excited by can give us a dopamine rush. But looking to butterflies as the guiding light of relationship opportunity is limiting. Instead, we may want to look at butterflies with more caution.
For most of my life, I’ve been romantically guided by the butterflies – that dizzying, intermingled excitement and anticipation in the middle of my core.
Societally, we’ve branded the butterfly feeling as something wonderful that happens at the beginning of relationships. Some people – like me—need the butterfly feeling initially, or else they don’t see a possibility of a romantic connection. Others are simply less drawn to people with whom they don’t have that butterfly instinct.
Any time I’ve had intense butterflies, it seemed as if my intuition was prompting me to pursue the connection in front of me. I felt guided by the butterflies. I ended up engaging in relationships if the person ignited that fluttering feeling within me.
Years of butterfly-initiated relationships later, I’ve concluded that these tiny sensations are our body’s dysregulation popping up to say hello. The butterflies weren’t letting me know that the relationship was going to be a good and healthy. They were letting me know that there was a lesson in the experience. It’s our body saying, “This person makes you a little nervous and anxious. Are you sure you want to pursue this?”
Despite seeing evidence that the butterflies metamorphosized into heartbreak versus happy connections, I continued to pursue the butterfly feeling. I aligned myself with the societal story that relationships should be charged with excitement, anticipation, and nervousness – especially in the beginning.
From a physiological standpoint, the same butterfly feeling is triggered within our bodies whether what awaits us is thrilling or anxiety-inducing. We can feel a scrunch in our stomach before big presentations, a doctor’s visit, or an activity that’s new and unknown, like sky-diving. These emotions are associated with the "fight-or-flight" response, activating the sympathetic nervous system. This response releases stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, causing physical sensations such as racing hearts, heightened awareness, and of course – the fluttering.
Even though the concept of butterflies comes from stress hormones, we’ve continued to take them as a positive sign. They’ve become embedded in our culture as a surefire way to begin a relationship. Consider any pop culture movie – main characters are often jittery and going through intense belly flops when they meet the man or woman or their dreams.
I recently wrote about the man I met, who I identified as an Amplifer. When I first met him, I didn’t feel the typical intensity of butterflies. Though our first conversation lasted three hours, it felt like a deeper, more emotional initiation. I enjoyed myself during our first few encounters and wanted to be in his orbit of existence – but my body felt calm, completely at ease.
There was no nervousness. No anxiety. And absolutely no rapid heartbeats. (Anyone who’s been in healthy relationships their whole lives likely will see this is tables stakes, but for me, this was a new experience. I’ve been drawn to the butterflies my whole life.
For the first few weeks, I questioned the feelings I had for him. Since I didn’t feel what I typically felt at the onset of a romantic connection, I told myself the story that this wasn’t a person with whom I could have strong chemistry or long-term compatibility. For someone who had been guided by the butterflies, this feeling of ease and flow felt foreign.
Relationship experts explain that maintaining a serene nervous system plays a pivotal role in cultivating a dynamic and satisfying partnership. In other words, a sense of tranquility paves the way for relationships to thrive on authenticity and genuine connection. A lack of nervous system anxiety can create more openness, intimacy, and trust, which are essential components of a deeper bond. Individuals are also safe to reveal themselves in an atmosphere free of nervousness, which ultimately invites in more spontaneity and joy.
As a society, it’s time we flip the script and seek a different kind of feeling at the onset of relationships - one that’s peaceful, represents comfort, stability, and ease. Peace and contentment – versus the fleeting, often tumultuous emotion that butterflies bring –is what we’re after. (P.S. Peace doesn’t mean a relationship is boring — it just means our nervous system is calm, which creates a launch pad for a stronger bond.)
This season of my life is about shifting perspectives and rewriting the romance-related stories I’ve been telling myself. And it starts with the onset of connections – which means valuing a peaceful feeling over the butterflies.