Maintaining an Open Heart

It's a continuous effort

At the start of our relationship, JP and I made one promise to each other – no matter what came up for us, we would keep our hearts open.

An open heart means we’re present, curious, and approach each interaction as an opportunity to learn and grow (similar to a beginner’s mind, but for romance.) We show up for the relationship, moment by moment. We give the other person the benefit of the doubt – we don’t assume that they will hurt us or break our heart (though they might). We allow the relationship to unfold without putting the negative charge of past hurts on our current connection.

Keeping an open heart initially appears straightforward, but it's inherently complex.

When we’re young, we’re much more open in relationships, because we haven’t experienced the heartbreak and disappointment that human connection oftentimes brings. After many years of life, learning, and dating, we begin to close off parts of ourselves. We’ve accumulated scars from the relationships we’ve experienced. Over time, we created walls around those scars, doing our best to protect ourselves from the pain that was inflicted in the past. Closing our hearts has felt safer than living with more, potential pain.  

Keeping our heart open means that we notice the triggers that prompt us to want to close, but work to keep them open by being vulnerable, communicating our fears, and doing the inner work necessary to remain open. In this way, we’re able to slowly unravel the layers of protection we’ve developed over the years and open our hearts to love. 

The decision to maintain an open heart is not a one-time act, however; it's a continuous effort, given the emergence of new situations and triggers in any relationship.

A few weeks ago, as I was swept up in intense, positive romantic feelings, I started to feel a great deal of fear, and soon after, I could sense my heart defenses going up.

The last time I felt such excitement, admiration, and connection was about eight years ago, right before experiencing profound heartbreak.  

The memory from the past led me to close myself off to JP. The familiar excitement of love triggered previous pain, making me question my current feelings.

A fear of history repeating itself can creep in, just like it did for me with JP.

JP is nothing like the person from my past. Nor were the situations coming up in our relationship. Yet here I was, conjuring up protective scenarios in my mind. I didn’t want to feel that level of sadness and disappointment again, and in pure protective mode, my brain decided to transport me to the timeline from eight years ago.

Our brains, specifically the amygdala, are wired to guard us against perceived threats, often drawing from past experiences. When we experience a heartbreak, the amygdala is activated, and the memory of that event is encoded in neural networks within the brain. The intensity and vulnerability of love can trigger fear responses as our brain seeks to protect itself from potential emotional harm, even though our brain also encourages the pursuit of loving relationships.

In other words, we don’t get love without the scars. As we fall in love (and keep our heart open) our scars get touched. Old heartbreak comes up. And the possibility that heartbreak can happen again, peeps its head.

It’s important to recognize that past, negative feelings will come up, but we must walk through those feelings and be present with them. We can notice the triggers, sit with them, and work to release the hurt we’ve experienced. We remind ourselves that we’ve gone through this type of pain before (and we’ll be able to handle it, if it happens again).

Michael Singer, my favorite spiritual teacher, addresses this in his work. He urges us to keep our hearts open— this is the way we grow, it’s the way we can experience the fullness of a relationship and of life. If we want to live the life we’ve always lived, we can continue to close ourselves with every trigger that comes through. But if we want to live a life that’s new, exciting, and expansive, we need to live with an open heart. Even when it’s scary. Even when heartbreak is a possibility.

When it came to my current relationship, I acknowledged the negative feelings from the past (they’re going to come up, whether I’ve done the work, or not). I then had a conversation with JP around my fears, assumptions, and past hurts. Open, honest communication is what helped me most.

If I had taken the fears and triggers and put up my defenses, our relationship wouldn’t have grown in the way that it has. Talking through the fears helped release some of the negative charges associated with them and allowed me to keep opening up to the person in front of me. 

Keeping our hearts open will always be worth the risk. Plus, it’s the only way to grow and find lasting love.

What are ways you can keep your heart open, even after past heartbreak?