Healing in Relationships

But first, becoming ready

We don’t have to be fully healed before we can be in a loving relationship – but we do have to become ready (more on this, in a moment).

While self-healing work such as one-on-one therapy sessions, silent meditations, or plant medicine can be powerful, there is a significant portion of healing that occurs within intimate relationships, especially the ones that are grounded in the intention to foster growth. When we mutually decide to build a bond with another person, this connection offers us the opportunity to more deeply confront ourselves.

My current romantic relationship has offered me the opportunity to explore my past wounds, better understand my relational patterns, and develop the type of vulnerability that’s needed for deeper healing.

I scratched the surface on some of these learnings as I was working through them on my own, but there are insights that never came through when I was single. I’ve been sharing about some of these topics lately, though there are also others:

• I’m healing my ability to express myself openly and honestly. I’m learning to become more vocal with what I need, and not withholding what’s important to me for fear that I’ll seem too needy, emotional, or like I’m “too much.” Instead of figuring out the right way of positioning information or acting like a people-pleaser, I’m becoming clearer, asking directly for what I want and need.

• I'm on a journey to overcome my perfectionism. This isn’t an easy one for me. Throughout my childhood, I believed that love was something I had to earn through achievements and good behavior. I recently wrote about how I didn’t know that a partner could love all of me and my imperfections, but the open and secure relationship I’m in is allowing me the space to showcase all sides of myself.

• I've been learning to see myself as deserving of being a priority in a relationship. Growing up, my dad was a fantastic provider, always ensuring our financial stability. However, his attention was often elsewhere—focused on work, soccer, and social activities. This left me feeling secondary, a sentiment that creeped into the little moments of life. If he was on the phone or busy, it wasn't the right time to interrupt. Approaching him required silence, making myself nearly invisible out of fear of intruding. In contrast, my experience with JP has been different. Even when he's engrossed in work, he actively encourages me to connect with him, assuring me that "nothing is as important as you are." This is a new behavior I'm learning to accept and I’m reshaping my understanding of my presence in relationships.

• I'm healing an old struggle with expressing love physically. In the past, I often dated men who shied away from public affection—or any affection at all. To compensate, I relied heavily on words to convey my feelings. However, with JP, I've discovered a new dimension of connection. He values both verbal and physical expressions of love, encouraging me to align my words with gestures. This is inspiring me to become more open in showing affection through touch, hugs, and playful exchanges.

(Side note: Healing happens on both sides. While I’m healing the above things and rewriting my own romantic scripts, JP is healing his own fears, including that of abandonment, conditional love, and being a good boyfriend.)

Though so much healing happens within a relationship, it’s still important that we do some of our own pre-work, to build the right emotional foundation for ourselves.

I wouldn’t have been a match for JP (and him, vice-versa) if I hadn’t done my own personal growth work. I learned to better understand myself through coaching, courses, and journaling. I unraveled my relationship with my parents, dug deep into my people pleasing behaviors, and explored my inner-child rejections and hurts.

To get ready, we don’t have to do years of personal study, but we must develop self-awareness. We should understand our patterns, triggers, and our families of origin.

We must be open and willing to have difficult conversations – even if they’re not easy. And we should do some ego-work, because most challenges in a relationship require that we put our egos aside and build something for the benefit of the unit versus the individual. 

Reflecting on our readiness to engage in a conscious relationship is an integral step. Consider these questions as indicators of your readiness:

• Can I see from another’s perspective? Am I open to understand situations through someone else’s eyes?  

• Do I aspire to grow individually and together? Am I committed to personal growth as well as developing with another person?

• Do I practice self-respect and self-love? Is my relationship with myself grounded in kindness?  

• Am I open to revisiting my independence? Do I look forward to becoming interdependent?

• Can I set healthy boundaries? Have I established boundaries with family, friends, and loved ones?

• Do I understand my past, and its impact on me? (Side note: Self-inquiry is crucial – everyone has been shaped by their past experiences.)

Healing from past hurts and experiences is a lifelong process. While we may not find ourselves entirely healed before falling in love, the proactive steps we take on our own can set the stage for meaningful relationships to further nurture our healing journeys.

And when we walk alongside another – the experience can become even more fulfilling.

JP and me on a recent family trip to Amalfi