We’re always evolving in love— even if we don’t think we are.

“When we’re evolving, we don’t necessarily do a 180 degree in terms of who we’re drawn to. We inch toward what we want, as we keep learning and growing,” my coach recently explained.

I spoke to her about my draw to emotionally unavailable partners. I was frustrated with myself for continuing to connect with them. I had done a lot of work on changing this attraction; I thought I had evolved past this preference.

She then added, “A part of you will continue to be drawn to the man who tugs at your wound of not being chosen, or to the one where you don’t know if you’ll be chosen. You’re being shown what you need to heal.” More on this idea of Wound Chemistry, in another post.

In the past, I was attracted to overtly unavailable men: those that were over forty and had never been in a serious relationship, the ones who told me they weren’t open to love (still, I was hoping to prove them wrong), or those who prioritized their work and independence over connection and closeness.

With each relationship, I’m slowly changing who and what I’m drawn to. It’s like I’m moving a relationship cruise ship; I haven’t turned a complete ninety degrees west, but I am shifting a few notches with each relationship.

Not long ago, I was attracted to the men who were known to be hard to get. This is likely a result of my adolescent programming, which I share a bit about in this post.

One of the strongest connections of my late twenties was with someone who feared commitment, sparsely committed to women, and kept an invisible shield around his heart. Instead of seeing the issue in this behavior, I saw myself as one of the lucky ones who was able to crawl into his relationship bubble. I stayed in the relationship for far too long, accepting any scraps of attention given to me.

A few relationships later, I inched my way to a warmer, more emotionally open man. He spoke of the relationships he had engaged in and the women he had loved. He welcomed me into his world, introduced me to all his closest friends, and prioritized time with me. However, after a few months, he made it clear that he wasn’t interested in diving into a deeper, committed relationship. He wanted to remain non-monogamous. I had learned from waiting around in previous relationships and walked away from this one.

Though I haven’t fallen for a man that is emotionally available and ready for a relationship quite yet, the men filtering into my dating world today are different than the ones from just a few years ago. They’re eager to share their inner and outer world with me—they’re more open to relationships and love.

What we attract is based on our own evolution. At every new version of ourselves, our standards change. What we appreciate evolves, and what we’re looking for expands. The energy and mindset we emit into the world shapes the experiences and individuals that come into our lives.

In the past, I was also emotionally unavailable, and therefore connecting with the emotionally unavailable (more on this in another post). As I’ve changed, I’ve outgrown certain behaviors. What I’m willing to accept and engage has also transformed.

I no longer try to convince someone that I’m worthy of having a relationship with them. I don’t try to change myself to accommodate for someone’s relationship blueprint. I speak my truth, even when it risks someone not choosing a relationship with me. I trust and act on my intuition more.

Oftentimes, we look at a present moment and only see the challenges of today – we don’t notice all the small changes we’ve made to get to the present moment. It’s difficult for us to see the difference, because we forget where we were before. Since it can be difficult for us to notice change, it’s important to have a friend or other sounding board hold a mirror to us (whether that’s a coach, therapist, sibling or parent).

Change is made up of tiny choices, compounded over many experiences. Not only does it take time, but it requires effort to let go of past beliefs and behaviors, see ourselves differently, and engage in relationships that reflect the evolved qualities we seek.

Sometimes I’m impatient, thinking I should be more healed or choose differently, but it’s okay that my leaps don’t happen overnight. I can keep myself accountable to the changes I want to make and promise to keep evolving. I can appreciate how far I’ve come, even if I’m not exactly where I want to be.

What’s a change you’ve noticed in yourself recently? Are there gradual steps you’ve taken to where you are today? Can you be gentle with yourself as you notice the slowness of evolution?