Your Brain Chooses Who You Love

And Its Emotional System Calls the Shots

I’m fascinated how the brain affects what we’re drawn to and who we love. We think we’re logical in love, but we’re not. We create checklists of qualities we desire in a partner – physical features, personality traits, shared values – but end up falling for people based on a feeling rather than pure logic.

I often surprise myself by being drawn to people who don’t fit the mold of what I think I want. That’s made me wonder: Why do we often find ourselves attracted to romantic partners who challenge what we think we’re looking for?

Our logical side and initial attraction may draw us towards someone, but they aren't enough to build lasting relationships. To truly connect, we gravitate towards qualities that resonate with our deep emotional core. This explains why we often repeat patterns from our childhood.

I grew up with very loving parents, but my father wasn’t emotionally present. While he took care of our family’s financial wellbeing, there was a void when it came to emotional connection and quality time. As a result, I internalized that I could earn my father’s love and attention by perfecting myself (as a child, I made my own assumptions as to what that meant).

As I grew older, I noticed a pattern of being drawn to emotionally unavailable men. I dated a guy who claimed he loved me one day and then changed his mind the next. Another who was still in love with his ex-girlfriend but thought he was ready for something new. There was a guy who would shut down as soon as things got deeper, and one who couldn't commit to anyone and preferred the polyamorous route.

Though these men differed in terms of personality traits, interests, and upbringing, there was one common thread: none of them could open up to me. None of them wanted a deeper relationship with me. None of them were able to choose me.

I subconsciously chose partners that fit the mold of the emotional experience of my childhood, mirroring the relationship I had with my dad. It’s strange how familiarity can feel a lot like love.

Though my personal Relationship Magnet was drawn towards emotional unavailability, people’s magnets vary, depending on their early emotional experiences. One of my dear friends struggles with partners that withhold information, because of the secrecy she witnessed in her parents’ relationship. She repeatedly finds partners who challenge her trust. Another friend has faced abandonment wounds due to her father's early passing. She used to attract men who played out the same scenario in her relationship, leaving without notice.  

The experiences we go through in childhood leave lasting impressions on us. These impressions can be thought of as emotional wounds that are carried into adulthood, and we often find ourselves being drawn to people who trigger these old wounds.

Love, it turns out, has a scientific side, with deep biological roots in our brains. It's not really our logical mind choosing potential partners; the subconscious influence of our childhood experiences guides our relationship choices.

This complex (and magical!) phenomenon of love involves different layers of our brain. The primal, reptilian brain fuels physical and chemical attraction. The second layer, our limbic system, stores memories and emotions that create that magnetic connection with someone (i.e. the Relationship Magnet I mentioned previously). Finally, our evolved neocortex governs reasoning, critical thinking, and attempts to assess compatibility. (If you're intrigued and want to dive into the science, check out the book General Theory of Love).

In addition to the scientific nature of love, there’s also a spiritual and intuitive aspect. Our gravitation towards certain individuals may be a subconscious effort to confront and heal our childhood scars, once and for all. What we attract is precisely what we need to work through and heal.

Neuroscientists, such as Dr. Tara Swart, talk about our brain’s plasticity and its ability to make intentional changes. We can heal what and who we’re attracted to by evolving our belief systems, changing our patterns and spending time with those who are more like who we’re looking for.

I’ve seen shifts in who I’m attracted to (and consequently, who I’m attracting) firsthand, as I’ve gone through my own process of unlearning and relearning. These days, I’m less attracted to the emotionally unavailable man and more magnetized by the open, emotionally evolved partner. I noticed my pattern, understood the subconscious reasons why I was choosing what I was choosing, and figured out what beliefs and behaviors I needed to modify. My willingness to change allowed me to break the cycle of emotionally unavailable partnerships.

Relationships are inherently imperfect and here to continue to teach and expand us. There will always be more lessons to be learned. Though I’ve made strides in the type of emotional availability I’m looking for, there’s more for me to uncover and transform.

I’d love to hear from you and understand what you’ve traditionally been drawn to. If you’ve done any work around healing your childhood wounds, how has that changed? What are you looking to heal and bring into the next relationship you begin?