“Acceptance doesn’t mean we stop growing, challenging each other, or addressing the places that need work. It’s not about turning a blind eye to growth; it’s about letting go of the need to mold someone into a version that fits our personal preferences. When we try to shape someone into what we want, we risk erasing the very essence of who they are. Over time, they may shrink, becoming a shell of themselves, and the person we once fell in love with, their quirks, their magic, will slowly disappear.”
I really enjoyed this part.
Accepting people just as they are can be particularly difficult but it can also be quite liberating.
We don’t have to control everything in life. It’s so beautiful to see our love come to us all by themselves without any interference or influence from anyone else
Absolutely, Anita, and thank you for reading! I really appreciate it. I agree that it's quite difficult but it's also liberating in that we allow the relationships to reveal themselves to us, versus us wanting to control the very nature of them x
I loved reading this. And more people could benefit from reading it! I loved that people are always changing. As are we. Their circumstances may change, and therefore how they act or react. The reflection from the woman in the 40 year partnership is very wise too!
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, Jen! I really appreciate it. It’s so true, we’re constantly changing, and it’s so important to give people a chance to showcase their current selves versus holding them stuck in a past image. (Also, the woman was amazing! She took everything with a grain of salt while being so matter-of-fact, too. I love learning from others who have more life experience in the long-term relationship realm :)
Such a beautiful read, something I recently experienced and healed from, so it truly resonates with me. Acceptance feels harder today than ever, especially with social media and the constant idea that there’s always something “better.”
As a South Asian (first generation raised in the UK), I’ve realised how much we can learn from the grit our parents had not just in their work, but in their relationships too. They trusted each other, had real conversations, made effort, and made things work through acceptance not by trying to change how the other dressed, what they read, or what music they listened to.
today, all those small things seem to turn relationships into an exam, one where you go home anxious, trying to revise so you don’t fail the other person.
You're so right, Jaslin. I can empathize with your perspective (my parents are from Poland and I'm also first gen!) There is something really beautiful about the acceptance that they demonstrated in their relationships, going through the ups and downs together and not merely leaving a connection because it didn't suit certain preferences anymore. Before I met my now-partner, I felt that there were so many men who felt that element of the "paradox of more." Even though our relationship was good, they were searching for a needle in a haystack, so to speak. It's a good reminder that the grass is greener where we water it, that we must be willing to put time and effort into the things that truly matter, and that great relationships are built, not just found. Big hug from Lisbon x
That woman was right! I've been married 22 years this December. My husband does a couple things that can really irritate me. Not alot, but most are big things like money (coincidentally money causes the most problems in relationships), but I shrug and acknowledge he can't really help it. I've talked to him alot about it through the years, and after 20 years with no change in certain things, you just have to accept it's who they are. They aren't being malicious, or even uncaring. Their personality just works that way.
I remember our first big fight a few months after getting married. He worked night shift and kept insisting he'd wake up to pick me up from work, even when I said I'd take the car because I knew he was tired. It was some kind of pride thing for him. He slept in and couldn't even hear his alarm or the phone ringing. He did it one more time after that and I was soooo mad lol. But I remember thinking I could accept it, forgive, and move on (after pouting alot lol) because I didn't want to divorce and I knew he wasn't being mean. Just dumb 😆 I knew I should listen to myself and just take the car lol
And we've both changed alot throughout the years. Some views even changed complete opposite of what they were when we started dating. But we usually listen and process and trust each other and end up growing in the same general direction. Maybe not exactly the same, but pretty close.
Wow, Ariel! Your stories resonate so strongly with me. (Also, congratulations on 22 years !!) You point out something super profound - people often aren't doing things because they are malicious, so often, it just goes against their very nature. Once we can appreciate them more for who they are, there's more magic and happiness in the relationship. It sounds like this was a really important element for moving forward in the relationship, too. I often think that though certain qualities might "frustrate us" about our partner (or other close relationships) if we're with another person, there would be a whole new set of little trigger points. So really, it's also about us coming to terms with the fact that none of us are perfect, all of us are evolving, and no relationship will be 100% the way "we" want it to be. Sending a big hug from Lisbon! x
Thank you, Lile, really appreciate your feedback. And that’s so true. We also get so used to the person in front of us, and we forget how lucky we felt when we first met, how profound that interaction was. Humans are fascinating.
So happy to see someone writing about this. To be honest I wasn’t aware what exactly emotional maturity means until this summer, when I started going to therapy because of my relationship with my mother. Anyway, I’ve realised that I got very toxic examples for “love” and now I’m working on this.
It’s amazing that you’re doing this work, Ana. It’s honestly so profound. The challenge is, we learn so much about love from our early caregivers, and it often isn’t emotionally mature (and sometimes even toxic.) I’m working through a HeartHealing certification program right now that focuses on healing our heart from those challenging childhood relationships. Through the program, I’ve been reading the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. It could a nice book to check out. She also has another book that’s been recommended, called Mothers Who Can’t Love. Perhaps one of these could be useful. Sending a big hug your way x
The best thing I’ve read in a long time. You’re absolutely right. Sometimes we believe we own time, as if we had enough of it to decide what others should do or how they should behave when we’re not even investing time in improving ourselves. The way we look at others should always start with looking at ourselves.
Wow, thank you so much for reading, and for your insights. I agree that we sometimes get trapped in our own egos, assuming we know what's best, as if we're here to control someone else's preferences, experience, etc. Funny how us humans sometimes work, huh?
Our imperfections are part of our identity, and love should never ask us to shrink. When we stop trying to reshape each other, we leave room for wonder to return. True acceptance deepens connection, letting two people grow without losing their edges.
Funny that when I spotted the photo I imagined this piece was going to be amount men's friendships. Then, as I read I realized that the same can be said for good friends, reliable, consistent, accepting, and yes, loving friends. Here in the U.S. I often marvel at how rarely we see two men dining out together, or even having coffee. Sure there are the gay guys, and they are not always easy to spot. But it is the others that intrigue me. A restaurant and nightspot the other night had 21 tables set-up, and I spotted exactly one party consisting of just men together. How sad for my brothers.
You're completely right, Victor, the same can be of friendships (and family members, co-workers, etc.) Thank you for taking the time to read it, I really appreciate it. And yes! I chose this photo because I didn't want to make it solely about romantic relationships, because it really is a universal lesson we can all tap into more.
Yeah I mean. You can’t change or mold people that’s impossible. I guess it boils down to finding someone with quirks that you like and not ones that make you insane. I just find it hard to find people I’m actually intimately attracted to and who will put in much effort. We have a selfish culture.
I understand and agree Austin - we can't change people, and therefore must accept them as they are (and yes, it's important to find someone whose quirks align with you.)
I completely empathize that it can be hard to find people that put in the right amount of effort, but those people are out there, I promise. The first step is for us to re-write our self limiting beliefs. If we continue believing that there's no one who will put in the same amount of effort as us, we'll continue to see that pattern around us. What helped me is looking for amplifiers - people who have the qualities we desire, relationships that are inspiring. That proof allowed me to rewire the way I perceived and attracted loving relationships.
Ah yes, I've heard of the book but haven't read it. And I agree, there are so many beautifully simple in theory yet difficult in execution life lessons. Another one for me is surrendering and letting go. Seems so simple in practice, right?
I enjoyed the sentiment, however there is a dark side to acceptance, as compliance, coercive control. In truth, people grow and change. When relationships are healthy, respectful, honest and transparent, acceptance is with ease. I would encourage individuals to listen to your 'gut', your feelings or sensors as some might refer & then be curious. I've just come out of a relationship with someone I've known nearly 30 years, dated for the 2nd time, 24 years after the first. Everyone thought it was 'mean't to be'. I was accepting, nearly opposites; of every rationale when my sensors were flashing amber. It turns out six years later and having lost everything thing I worked for, my senses were flashing red. Everything was a lie, manipulation. No acceptance would have made him a better person, stopped stealing from me or the harm cause. No acceptance will prevent family violence, cheating, dishonesty. I have now a different acceptance, of who he truly is. I believe let your heart speak by all means, but take your head with you.
That's super profound, and I would agree with you. We have to listen to our intuitions, ultimately. And it really is up to us to decide. Perhaps we can accept the person from afar (because we know they will never change), but it doesn't always mean that they have a place in our lives. When we can accept someone in that way, perhaps it's more about recognizing that because we don't have expectations of them behaving in a different way, there's less of a hold on us, because we no longer get disappointed by their behaviors as we know they won't change. I agree with you though, we should always always listen to our intuition (and if we've lost the connection to it, work to reconnect with it.) Sending you a big hug x
Perfecto! Gotta start accepting myself as who I am and be kind to MYSELF so that my outward energy reflects the same and I can love my other half with respect.
This is so refreshing to read, especially your point about accepting yourself first! It’s those types of things we often forget to do when placing a lot of energy into our relationships - constantly trying to make it better and better.
Thanks for writing this it’s great to hear about couples making a go of it, carrying on and trying to figure out the many layers of love there are in being years together
Thanks Anna I feel like writing something like in ‘In Praise of Faithfulness’ the difficulty it can be to go on as you know it’s the right thing to do - all the best ✨
Very true Bella. Who they are is reality. What we made up in our imagination. But life has a way of surprising us if we’re open to it. Sometimes who someone reveals themselves to be is so much greater than we could have ever imagined.
Absolutely. It allows both people to open up in a safe environment. The risk is always will they still love me, but that’s where we have to accept that in the vulnerability, there is that possibility, but that doesn’t mean because you lost someone due to you being your true authentic self means that they were right for you. It all begins with self acceptance.
So beautifully said, I completely agree. We can’t control how someone will react to what we share and our vulnerability. I believe that’s why the self acceptance (and self love, really) is so important 💓
“Acceptance doesn’t mean we stop growing, challenging each other, or addressing the places that need work. It’s not about turning a blind eye to growth; it’s about letting go of the need to mold someone into a version that fits our personal preferences. When we try to shape someone into what we want, we risk erasing the very essence of who they are. Over time, they may shrink, becoming a shell of themselves, and the person we once fell in love with, their quirks, their magic, will slowly disappear.”
I really enjoyed this part.
Accepting people just as they are can be particularly difficult but it can also be quite liberating.
We don’t have to control everything in life. It’s so beautiful to see our love come to us all by themselves without any interference or influence from anyone else
Thanks for sharing 💙
Absolutely, Anita, and thank you for reading! I really appreciate it. I agree that it's quite difficult but it's also liberating in that we allow the relationships to reveal themselves to us, versus us wanting to control the very nature of them x
I loved reading this. And more people could benefit from reading it! I loved that people are always changing. As are we. Their circumstances may change, and therefore how they act or react. The reflection from the woman in the 40 year partnership is very wise too!
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, Jen! I really appreciate it. It’s so true, we’re constantly changing, and it’s so important to give people a chance to showcase their current selves versus holding them stuck in a past image. (Also, the woman was amazing! She took everything with a grain of salt while being so matter-of-fact, too. I love learning from others who have more life experience in the long-term relationship realm :)
Such a beautiful read, something I recently experienced and healed from, so it truly resonates with me. Acceptance feels harder today than ever, especially with social media and the constant idea that there’s always something “better.”
As a South Asian (first generation raised in the UK), I’ve realised how much we can learn from the grit our parents had not just in their work, but in their relationships too. They trusted each other, had real conversations, made effort, and made things work through acceptance not by trying to change how the other dressed, what they read, or what music they listened to.
today, all those small things seem to turn relationships into an exam, one where you go home anxious, trying to revise so you don’t fail the other person.
You're so right, Jaslin. I can empathize with your perspective (my parents are from Poland and I'm also first gen!) There is something really beautiful about the acceptance that they demonstrated in their relationships, going through the ups and downs together and not merely leaving a connection because it didn't suit certain preferences anymore. Before I met my now-partner, I felt that there were so many men who felt that element of the "paradox of more." Even though our relationship was good, they were searching for a needle in a haystack, so to speak. It's a good reminder that the grass is greener where we water it, that we must be willing to put time and effort into the things that truly matter, and that great relationships are built, not just found. Big hug from Lisbon x
absolutely resonate with your words, a big hug back x
That woman was right! I've been married 22 years this December. My husband does a couple things that can really irritate me. Not alot, but most are big things like money (coincidentally money causes the most problems in relationships), but I shrug and acknowledge he can't really help it. I've talked to him alot about it through the years, and after 20 years with no change in certain things, you just have to accept it's who they are. They aren't being malicious, or even uncaring. Their personality just works that way.
I remember our first big fight a few months after getting married. He worked night shift and kept insisting he'd wake up to pick me up from work, even when I said I'd take the car because I knew he was tired. It was some kind of pride thing for him. He slept in and couldn't even hear his alarm or the phone ringing. He did it one more time after that and I was soooo mad lol. But I remember thinking I could accept it, forgive, and move on (after pouting alot lol) because I didn't want to divorce and I knew he wasn't being mean. Just dumb 😆 I knew I should listen to myself and just take the car lol
And we've both changed alot throughout the years. Some views even changed complete opposite of what they were when we started dating. But we usually listen and process and trust each other and end up growing in the same general direction. Maybe not exactly the same, but pretty close.
Wow, Ariel! Your stories resonate so strongly with me. (Also, congratulations on 22 years !!) You point out something super profound - people often aren't doing things because they are malicious, so often, it just goes against their very nature. Once we can appreciate them more for who they are, there's more magic and happiness in the relationship. It sounds like this was a really important element for moving forward in the relationship, too. I often think that though certain qualities might "frustrate us" about our partner (or other close relationships) if we're with another person, there would be a whole new set of little trigger points. So really, it's also about us coming to terms with the fact that none of us are perfect, all of us are evolving, and no relationship will be 100% the way "we" want it to be. Sending a big hug from Lisbon! x
Amazing insights and real
We usually forget why we chose the person we chose
Thank you, Lile, really appreciate your feedback. And that’s so true. We also get so used to the person in front of us, and we forget how lucky we felt when we first met, how profound that interaction was. Humans are fascinating.
So happy to see someone writing about this. To be honest I wasn’t aware what exactly emotional maturity means until this summer, when I started going to therapy because of my relationship with my mother. Anyway, I’ve realised that I got very toxic examples for “love” and now I’m working on this.
It’s amazing that you’re doing this work, Ana. It’s honestly so profound. The challenge is, we learn so much about love from our early caregivers, and it often isn’t emotionally mature (and sometimes even toxic.) I’m working through a HeartHealing certification program right now that focuses on healing our heart from those challenging childhood relationships. Through the program, I’ve been reading the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. It could a nice book to check out. She also has another book that’s been recommended, called Mothers Who Can’t Love. Perhaps one of these could be useful. Sending a big hug your way x
The best thing I’ve read in a long time. You’re absolutely right. Sometimes we believe we own time, as if we had enough of it to decide what others should do or how they should behave when we’re not even investing time in improving ourselves. The way we look at others should always start with looking at ourselves.
Wow, thank you so much for reading, and for your insights. I agree that we sometimes get trapped in our own egos, assuming we know what's best, as if we're here to control someone else's preferences, experience, etc. Funny how us humans sometimes work, huh?
Our imperfections are part of our identity, and love should never ask us to shrink. When we stop trying to reshape each other, we leave room for wonder to return. True acceptance deepens connection, letting two people grow without losing their edges.
So beautifully said, Shamim. This is pure poetry 💗
Funny that when I spotted the photo I imagined this piece was going to be amount men's friendships. Then, as I read I realized that the same can be said for good friends, reliable, consistent, accepting, and yes, loving friends. Here in the U.S. I often marvel at how rarely we see two men dining out together, or even having coffee. Sure there are the gay guys, and they are not always easy to spot. But it is the others that intrigue me. A restaurant and nightspot the other night had 21 tables set-up, and I spotted exactly one party consisting of just men together. How sad for my brothers.
You're completely right, Victor, the same can be of friendships (and family members, co-workers, etc.) Thank you for taking the time to read it, I really appreciate it. And yes! I chose this photo because I didn't want to make it solely about romantic relationships, because it really is a universal lesson we can all tap into more.
Yeah I mean. You can’t change or mold people that’s impossible. I guess it boils down to finding someone with quirks that you like and not ones that make you insane. I just find it hard to find people I’m actually intimately attracted to and who will put in much effort. We have a selfish culture.
I understand and agree Austin - we can't change people, and therefore must accept them as they are (and yes, it's important to find someone whose quirks align with you.)
I completely empathize that it can be hard to find people that put in the right amount of effort, but those people are out there, I promise. The first step is for us to re-write our self limiting beliefs. If we continue believing that there's no one who will put in the same amount of effort as us, we'll continue to see that pattern around us. What helped me is looking for amplifiers - people who have the qualities we desire, relationships that are inspiring. That proof allowed me to rewire the way I perceived and attracted loving relationships.
There is a book about it: “Let them” 🪴 seems like easy to do. But not.
Ah yes, I've heard of the book but haven't read it. And I agree, there are so many beautifully simple in theory yet difficult in execution life lessons. Another one for me is surrendering and letting go. Seems so simple in practice, right?
I enjoyed the sentiment, however there is a dark side to acceptance, as compliance, coercive control. In truth, people grow and change. When relationships are healthy, respectful, honest and transparent, acceptance is with ease. I would encourage individuals to listen to your 'gut', your feelings or sensors as some might refer & then be curious. I've just come out of a relationship with someone I've known nearly 30 years, dated for the 2nd time, 24 years after the first. Everyone thought it was 'mean't to be'. I was accepting, nearly opposites; of every rationale when my sensors were flashing amber. It turns out six years later and having lost everything thing I worked for, my senses were flashing red. Everything was a lie, manipulation. No acceptance would have made him a better person, stopped stealing from me or the harm cause. No acceptance will prevent family violence, cheating, dishonesty. I have now a different acceptance, of who he truly is. I believe let your heart speak by all means, but take your head with you.
That's super profound, and I would agree with you. We have to listen to our intuitions, ultimately. And it really is up to us to decide. Perhaps we can accept the person from afar (because we know they will never change), but it doesn't always mean that they have a place in our lives. When we can accept someone in that way, perhaps it's more about recognizing that because we don't have expectations of them behaving in a different way, there's less of a hold on us, because we no longer get disappointed by their behaviors as we know they won't change. I agree with you though, we should always always listen to our intuition (and if we've lost the connection to it, work to reconnect with it.) Sending you a big hug x
Perfecto! Gotta start accepting myself as who I am and be kind to MYSELF so that my outward energy reflects the same and I can love my other half with respect.
Beautiful! I agree. Accept myself more, become more accepting of others, it's a beautiful flow.
This is so refreshing to read, especially your point about accepting yourself first! It’s those types of things we often forget to do when placing a lot of energy into our relationships - constantly trying to make it better and better.
Ah so happy it resonated, Brianna. I really believe it all starts from within. 💗
Thanks for writing this it’s great to hear about couples making a go of it, carrying on and trying to figure out the many layers of love there are in being years together
Thanks for reading, Andrew! I agree, it’s inspiring, it helps us know that it exists :)
Thanks Anna I feel like writing something like in ‘In Praise of Faithfulness’ the difficulty it can be to go on as you know it’s the right thing to do - all the best ✨
So true. Accepting that this person isn’t what we made them up to be in our head, but they are better because they are real.
Very true Bella. Who they are is reality. What we made up in our imagination. But life has a way of surprising us if we’re open to it. Sometimes who someone reveals themselves to be is so much greater than we could have ever imagined.
Absolutely. It allows both people to open up in a safe environment. The risk is always will they still love me, but that’s where we have to accept that in the vulnerability, there is that possibility, but that doesn’t mean because you lost someone due to you being your true authentic self means that they were right for you. It all begins with self acceptance.
So beautifully said, I completely agree. We can’t control how someone will react to what we share and our vulnerability. I believe that’s why the self acceptance (and self love, really) is so important 💓