What emotionally mature love actually looks like

The quiet secret to lasting connection

At the beginning of a relationship, we meet someone. We’re mesmerized by the way they do things, the way they live, what they love, their interests and quirks.

We can’t get enough of them. We want to see more, learn more. We can’t wait to discover who they’ll reveal themselves to be.

Over time, though, we get used to many of the characteristics that were once new and exciting. And often, we no longer appreciate those qualities as we once did. The laugh we first fell in love with may start to annoy us. The spontaneity that used to feel electric, now looks like procrastination. The free-spirited quirks that once drew us in might not feel as alluring anymore.

Instead of embracing the other person for who they truly are and seeing the beauty in their unique essence, we start to pick them apart. We focus on the little things that irritate us, wishing they’d act differently, hoping they’d outgrow that one habit that drives us crazy. We imagine how much better they’d be if only they were a bit more charming, a little more charismatic, or just… different. Instead of celebrating their individuality, we get caught up in trying to mold them into a version that fits our ideal, forgetting that their quirks and imperfections are part of what makes them, them (and, what we fell in love with, in the first place!).

How do we stop doing this, and instead get back to that initial wonder and appreciation?

The answer is simple in theory, but so challenging for our human brains to grasp:

We let go. We accept them.

Acceptance means understanding that we cannot— and should not— try to change another person to fit our preferences. (Honestly, wouldn’t that be boring? What would there be to discover if we were just dating our twin?)

The key is to allow the other person to be exactly who they are, to express themselves in a way that feels true and authentic to them. It’s not about shaping them into our ideal, but about honoring their individuality. After all, we each carry our own unique upbringing, experiences, and world-view. Respecting and valuing someone else’s journey is essential. We’d want the same in return.

I recently spoke to a woman who has been in a partnership for the last 40 years. When I asked her what her secret was, she shared that, “Anytime my husband does something that irritates me or isn’t exactly what I like, instead of seeing it as a flaw I want to change, I just laugh and say, ‘Ah, that’s just Henry. How cute is it that he does that?’” (This woman let the little things roll right off and was very happy for it.)

Instead of wanting to change others, we can also approach them with curiosity. The kind of curiosity that keeps us engaged in learning about their inner world, their dreams, their fears, and the way they see life. Though we may think we know someone well, we’re all constantly evolving. No one stays the same month after month, year after year.

If we can meet others with more acceptance (true, open-hearted acceptance) that’s how we create something deeper. That’s how we build lasting connection that feels more alive, more expansive, more real.

Psychology is also a big proponent of acceptance in relationships. John Gottman’s work demonstrates that the more people feel accepted even when conflict occurs, the more resilient their relationship becomes.

There’s so much beauty in learning to accept others for who they are. Photo on film by me, in Evora, Portugal 2024.

There are additional studies showing that people who feel accepted by their partners report lower stress, better emotional wellbeing, and higher satisfaction in the relationship. There’s also research from school settings that shows that peer acceptance and friendship quality strongly correlate with self-esteem, lower loneliness, and school engagement. Acceptance isn’t just about romantic love; acceptance among friends or peers has powerful effects on mental well-being (Source: Journal of Family Psychology).

But this type of acceptance of others begins with acceptance of ourselves. I’m a big believer that we’re only capable of giving to others, what we also give ourselves. We can’t nitpick, criticize, or shame ourselves internally, and then expect to behave differently with others (perhaps we’ll be more accepting temporarily, but over time, we’re back to square one). If we don’t cultivate self-acceptance and compassion, it simply won’t translate outward.

Acceptance doesn’t mean we stop growing, challenging each other, or addressing the places that need work. It’s not about turning a blind eye to growth; it’s about letting go of the need to mold someone into a version that fits our personal preferences. When we try to shape someone into what we want, we risk erasing the very essence of who they are. Over time, they may shrink, becoming a shell of themselves, and the person we once fell in love with, their quirks, their magic, will slowly disappear.

Carl Rogers said it best: “When I accept you as you are, then, we can grow.” True acceptance creates the space for authentic growth. It’s in that space of acceptance that real connection thrives, where both people can grow and evolve without losing themselves.

(P.S. When I mention acceptance of the other’s behavior, I am never referring to emotional or physical abuse. I am simply talking about accepting of the less-than-perfect elements we all possess as humans.)