The Art of Saying No
Imagine if, instead of feeling guilty when we say no to others, we could see it as saying yes to ourselves.
When we confidently decline the things that don’t align with us, we can create space to wholeheartedly say yes to what truly matters to us and show up more authentically.
In recent weeks, I've turned down several small requests, such as weeknight dinners with friends and co-working dates. I even postponed celebrating my best friend's 30th birthday in Greece and walked away from a business concept I'd been developing with a dear friend for months.
Each of the no’s was difficult for me. I felt an internal, emotional tug of war between saying yes to myself and my own needs, and saying no to the things being presented to me. I also felt like a terrible friend for saying no.
My natural inclination is to say yes – I used to be the Yes Girl.
“What to go on a spontaneous trip?”
Yes!
“I’m throwing a dinner party tomorrow night. Want to come?”
Of course.
“Can you please help with this new project?”
Absolutely.
Saying yes to things has historically been synonymous with saying yes to more of life. Thanks to my yes-mentality, I’ve been able to make more connections, have more stories, and ultimately, experience more.
Though many of the yeses have ended up being beautiful, expansive experiences, I realize that I’ve also been saying yes to things, in order to avoid saying no.
Saying no means I might disappoint people. Saying no means those closest to me might think or feel that I’m unsupportive of their project, event, business, or personal desires. Saying no feels like I’m rejecting them. I hate the idea of making others feel like that.
Saying no also makes me feel like I’m being a bad friend, daughter, or partner.
Many of us fear that by going along with what’s proposed to us, we avoid challenging feelings; we feel that we’re avoiding conflict. We believe that we’re better friends, children, or partners (or even employees!) when we say yes to things, even if we don’t really want to do them.
In truth, we’re simply not speaking up for what we want and need. We’re withholding our desires (and we’re withholding what we really want to say, which is a conversation for another time.)
Saying yes to everything can catch up with us. It can lead to resentment, cause overwhelm, stress and anxiety, and create an internal battle with our intuition (which always knows best). It also makes our personal boundaries weak, which leads to a slew of other challenges that can affect our energy.
Instead, we can learn that each “no" to others can be a powerful "yes" to ourselves.
A book called The Power of a Positive No, guides us on how we can say "no" in a firm, constructive, and respectful way, while preserving relationships and reaching positive outcomes.
Here’s how it works:
First, we need to say “yes” to ourselves. We say yes to what aligns with our values, what we need, and what feels right.
We can then respectfully say “no” to the request or situation that conflicts with our personal interests, values, or if it misaligns with our timing.
We end with a “yes”, which proposes an alternative option that works for both people — a compromise of sorts. This keeps the door open for collaboration and open discussion.
In my recent situations, I decided to first say “yes” to myself and my needs; I knew that my priorities were to create space and focus on building my home in Lisbon, spend time with my new partner, build my Lisbon community, and have time to write a book. I’d be unfocused and overwhelmed if I didn’t say yes to myself. I also knew that I’d be a better companion or work partner in other capacities —
I then said no to the upcoming trip to Greece and to building out a new company with my friend.
But it didn’t end there.
I then suggested alternatives—instead of doing a Greece trip now, my friend and I decided to go to Marrakesh later in the year, when there’s more time and space for us to do so. With the new company, I promised to support my friend in building one of her first deliverables.
Saying no was nerve-wracking.
It took time for me to get over the hurdle of feeling like I was disappointing my friends. I needed to rewire that saying no could be beneficial for both of us. My friends are kind, empathetic people who understood my perspective, however. Saying no ended up prompting conversations that were open, honest, and authentic, which ultimately deepened our connections. (One of my friends even mentioned she was grateful for my honesty and admired the courage it took to walk away from something that didn’t feel completely aligned for me.)
I’m not suggesting that we cancel events, meet-ups, and businesses and go back on our commitments. I am suggesting that we become more aware of what we say yes to, reframe how we’re saying no, and rewire that saying no to others is first and foremost about saying yes to ourselves.
Have you had similar experiences? Are there things you can say no to, that allow you to say yes to yourself?