Energy Escape
A few weeks ago, I had a small conflict with an ex-romantic partner. I felt disrespected, and after giving the connection some space, I realized how much of my energy had been drained. Over the past year, there were other challenging conversations and situations, and it had become a relationship where my energy was escaping, versus expanding.
In the past, I would continue close friendships with my exes, even when I was in a committed relationship. These men were an important part of my past, and our friendship didn’t have to end at the breakup. I felt emotionally mature enough to move into a new phase of our relationship.
When we keep the energetic door open to past relationships, we can do ourselves a disservice. Our energy is likely still with that person in some way. As a result, it ends up escaping, and it takes away from our current experience.
JP calls this the Straw Phenomenon. He explains that we each have an energetic field around us – imagine a big balloon. In every interaction we have, there’s an invisible straw that connects us with others (our balloon is connected to another person’s). Some of these straws add air into the balloon, expanding how we feel, teaching us something, and helping us evolve. Other straws suck up the vital energy from the balloon. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that the straws are there, because the relationship is part of our familiar past. We forget that these straws are leaking energy over time. (Once we remove them, we realize how much more air we have inside.)
As I’ve been diving deeper into my relationship with JP, I’ve been asking myself: When does it make sense to stay connected to an ex. lover, partner, or romantic interest, and when is it time for us to part ways?
(Side note: the same perspective can be applied to friendships, work relationships, and other people from our past. This Energy Inventory is meant to be illustrative of the different types of relationships that have their hold on us. An Energy Inventory is a way for us to take a closer look at where energy is being raised or reduced; where we feel drained, and where we have an opportunity to optimize how we feel.)
Just because I’m now in a committed relationship, doesn’t mean that I want to close the door on connections from the past. Instead, I’m using it as an invitation to take inventory of all the places where relationships are causing me to not feel great; understanding where my energy is being drained. I’m inviting myself to look inward and consider:
Am I holding out on this person, to see if something else might happen in the future? Or have I fully closed the door?
Does the other person have the same intentions for our current relationship as I do? Do they truly see this our relationships as a friendship, or do they want more from me?
Is there something positive about this person, beyond our shared history, that’s bonding us today? (So often, we hold onto what was versus what is, because we hope things will go back to how they were. But if there’s no longer anything good, why do we still hold on?)
We can then ask ourselves the bigger energy inventory questions*:
Does the relationship energize me? Does it drain me?
Does the relationship limit or liberate me?
In terms of the first question, we need to ask ourselves if engaging with this person causes us to feel better or worse about ourselves; if it drains our energy or sustains or expands it. We can sense if it takes away valuable time that could be used for something else or if it propels us in the direction of where we want to go and how we want to be. (If we’re always giving in a relationship, we will also feel drained. Though relationships are never 50/50, we notice if we’ve spent the majority of time giving versus having a natural flow of give and take.)
The second question of limitation or liberation asks us to understand whether a relationship provides us with freedom or feels confining. Liberation can mean different things. To me, it means feeling a sense of myself with another person; feeling that I can be, say, and do what’s true to me. Knowing that this person will appreciate and hold space for it.
Another limitation in holding onto past romantic relationships can be when we’ve deemed another person as being “the one that got away,” yet we continue to have a connection with them. If this is the case, we don’t allow ourselves to be energetically invested in new partnerships or relationships, because we’re always holding onto something from our past. We may think we’re open to a new relationship, but we still have a straw leaking energy to the past connection.
I had been wanting a conscious, connected romantic relationship for some time. (I’ve been sharing this in my intimate chats with the Universe). At the tail end of last year, something interesting happened.
A handful of men that I had previously dated came back to reconnect with me. This happened with a few significant relationships (my Saturn Return heartbreak, a fun boy I dated a couple years back, an ex-boyfriend from my younger years, and a couple people who were near misses).
I saw each of them coming back as a reconnection, but it was likely that the straws had never been properly removed; there was still a glimmer of possibility of something happening between us in the future.
I intuitively knew that to open myself up to true connection, I needed to remove the straws to my relationships’ past; I had to be clear that the romantic feelings and connection of the past were over. I believe that it was only through this clearing of stagnant romantic energy, that I was able to meet JP and open myself fully to receive the love he shares with me.
If we decide to choose to take romantic relationships from our past into our present, they should be the kind that continue to serve us. They should uplift us. The boundaries should be clear. We should feel respected and aligned on our values.
(P.S. I’ve closed the energetic door with all the exes, except for one, who’s been a part of my life since I was 17. Over the years, we’ve continued to grow and learn from one another. He’s like family, and has only ever been a positive, healthy influence in my life.)
As for the relationships that no longer serve us, it’s okay for us to remove the straw in order to allow other connections to grow. And if there’s nothing else coming through at the present moment, we can use the time to inflate our own balloons and purposefully expand.
*Energy inventory questions were inspired by my dear friend Kate