Can We Rethink Commitment

What going-all in means

Commitments can be scary. Especially when we don’t know what the outcome of the commitment might be.

Committing to a romantic relationship tethers us to a particular person; we may wonder if it’s possible to meet someone new, who’s a better long-term fit. A house roots us in a particular city; we worry that we’ll feel the desire to go out and explore the world. A job can constrain our creativity or alter our career trajectory; we feel we may become pigeon-holed.

Commitment means that we engage in something wholeheartedly. Whether it’s a city, a job, or a relationship, we decide to go all-in on that situation. When we’re committed, we don’t go outside our chosen circumstances for more — connection, pleasure, newness, or validation. We put our focus on the person, place, or experience that’s in front of us.

Richard Rudd, a poet and mystic, says that “99% commitment may as well be 1% commitment. You truly must be all-in on the things that matter most to you, otherwise they will slip away.”

I’ve dealt with my own commitment challenges, especially in regards to a home and relationship. There was a bit of female Peter Pan Syndrome within me around these two elements. (Side note: Peter Pan Syndrome is a term used to describe adults, typically men, who exhibit immature behavior and a reluctance to take on adult responsibilities such as commitment, and have a preference for spontaneity and fun, among other things.)

For over ten years, I loved that my LA lease was month-to-month. I appreciated being able to live between LA and Europe. I was okay dating men who didn’t commit to me, because I was also not willing to commit to them.

I saw commitment as a confinement, a prison of sorts. I observed my parents “committed” to one another, but neither of them was happy in the arrangement – although for different reasons. The other relationships surrounding me felt similar. As a child, we only know what’s possible, given what we’ve seen or experienced first-hand. Sometimes, we need to see a good example of something, to believe that it’s possible for us, too.

In a similar vein, growing up, my family and I moved around a lot. I lived in six places by the time I was eighteen years old. This likely influenced my desire to pick up and move when needed and to keep myself untethered to specific locations. 

For all these years, I believed that keeping my options open was the most liberating thing I could do. Commitment felt limiting, and I believed that growth would happen outside of my commitments – not within them. Commitment would hold me back from the things that I really wanted.

In truth, a lack of commitment ended up preventing me from living life fully. Because I was always teetering between different things, my mind was swirling with options of what I could do, versus being present in what was.

At some point this past year, I got sick of all the thinking and overthinking that a lack of commitment created within me. I felt an intuitive need to change my behavior; there was a new chapter brewing for me. I could forever continue living the way I did, or I could alter my decision-making, and see where that led me.

At the beginning of this year, I committed to living in Lisbon. This decision created a domino effect with other life commitments.

Last week, I bought an apartment next to my favorite park, Jardim da Estrela, in Lisbon.

I also committed to a relationship (yes, I now have a boyfriend after 7+ years of being single!).

Although I felt ready (both intuitively and logically) to commit to a city, a home, and a new relationship, there have still been fears and concerns making their way to me.

What if I change my mind? What if the relationship doesn’t end up working? What if I don’t want to live in the center of Lisbon forever? What if…?

With commitments there will always be a “what if.” There will always be an alternate decision we could have made. But if we don’t take the good things making their way to us and commit to them, then we’re not going to grow. We’re not going to learn about ourselves or change in ways that are beneficial to us.

These past few weeks, I’ve been reframing what making a commitment means to me.

It no longer signifies a trap or a confinement. Commitment is less of a containment and more of a framework. Dreams can still flourish within our commitments, and we’re not relegated to choosing only one commitment.

A commitment demonstrates that a clear choice has been made, and that there’s movement in a particular direction. It means we’re going all in, to see what’s possible, to see what we can build. There’s power in committing to the things that matter most

to us.

In my case, I’m promising to not walk away when things get challenging. I’m choosing to prioritize my new city. I’m placing my time, energy, and love into a new relationship. I’m designing and decorating a new home.

This switch in perspectives signifies growth for me. And to me, growth and expansion is my highest calling in this lifetime.

That’s what I’m committed to.

A view of the lovely orange tree, from my new backyard.