Relationship Design
I learned the concept of strategizing a relationship – similar to the development of a thoughtful business plan – from my dear friend Cody.
His mother, a Stanford Business School graduate, wrote The Working Relationship, which guides couples through a summit experience focusing on ten functional areas of life – work, leisure, love, home, money, family, health, travel, environment, and friends.
Initially, it felt unromantic to consider a relationship in the context of planning, goal setting, and agreements. I felt that business practices were meant for business – not for intimate connections.
In truth, we tend to create strategic goals and visions for facets of life beyond business – ourselves, our careers, our long-term life plans. But we do so little visioning and strategic alignment when it comes to relationships, especially at the start, when it’s most important. (The beginning of a relationship is where rational thought is nonexistent, and our brains are love-drugged, which is why more concrete, rational conversations are useful. More on this, another time.)
A few weeks ago, JP and I were inspired by The Working Relationship and a few other books we had read. Because both of us are interested in self-development and relationship growth (and we envision a long-term relationship with one another) we decided to prototype our own summit-type experience – a type of Relationship Design.
The intention of the session was to understand where we are today and to align around the type of relationship we want to build together.
Initially, the voice inside my head raised its hand to tell me that this was the least sexy thing that I could do in a relationship – it would remove the mystery and the excitement. Anna from five years ago would agree with this statement. But the Anna that’s gone through relationship mishaps, emotional unavailability, personal growth and changes sees this exercise differently. So does JP.
We both align on the idea that there’s more than chemistry, deep feelings, and friendship that’s needed for a relationship to span the long term. Relationships need to be built on alignment of shared values, goals, and an understanding of what love and relationship means to the other person.
JP and I have had countless conversations surrounding things like, “Where do we each want to live long-term? Do we want to have kids? What’s the role of work in our life? Do we want to build something (a business, book, etc.) together?”
After a few weeks of discussions, we realized that we were asking the big questions, having the conversations, but not writing things down. I’m a big believer that to get that which we really yearn for, we need to put it down on paper, along with the action steps that help to propel it forward.
We each used our strengths to think through what we wanted to build. I applied my work experience – the way I think about building companies and brands for my clients, which includes a strategic purpose, mission, vision and shared values. JP applied his entrepreneurial background and ability to think in an engineering, systems-like way. Together, we were able to co-create a framework that wove together learnings rooted in psychology, neuroscience, and design thinking.
We brainstormed general themes that we wanted to cover, and set two hours for the conversation:
1. Given what we know so far, what are our foundational values as a couple? Values are core beliefs and principles that both individuals consider important and fundamental to the relationship (and life). For us, this included things like, “We aren’t afraid to ask for help,” as both of us tend to independently tackle problems. The overarching value is that “We act as a team and promise to do what’s best for the collective, versus what’s best for the individual.”
2. What are our non-negotiables in the relationship? In other words, what are the things we stick to, no matter what’s happening externally in our relationship? For us, this includes having our separate time with friends, making sure we make time to meaningfully check in with one another when traveling, and incorporate play into our relationship.
3. What types of communication systems can we put into place, to allow for honest, transparent conversation? This means we agree to have certain ways of communicating things, to enable better conflict management and more open dialogue that propels our relationship forward. For instance, if we feel that the other person is doing something that might affect the relationship in a negative way, we ask foundational questions, “Is this the best decision for the team? What’s the intention behind wanting to do this?”
4. What are the goals for the relationship, over the next 6 months? Goals can be anything we want to accomplish separately, that contribute to the relationship, or that can be done together. Categories for goals focus on learning, career, travel, and home. For us, some of these include meeting one another’s families and childhood friends in the next six months (I’m heading to Belgium later this week, and JP will meet my extended family in Italy later this summer). Personally, I also want to work on projects that are both supporting other individuals as well as supporting my own mission. JP wants to balance his work in a different way.
5. What are our shared bucket list items? Are there things we can look forward to, together? This can include things we want to do this summer, like checking out a beach city in the south of Portugal, as well as things that need to be planned out further into the future. A big one is going to this hotel in Egypt. Another one is learning more about Tantra, as both of us are interested in connecting in different ways and tapping into altered states of consciousness.
These initial questions for the Relationship Design aren’t relegated to new relationships – people who have been dating for years are also welcome to work through an exercise like this as it can help create foundations for moving any relationship forward.
We’re working on adding and building out our Relationship Design, as we grow and find more parameters to be explored and codified – but these questions feel like the right place to start.
A previous Anna would think that this type of conversation would be limiting to the growth of the relationship, but as I shared in my last post, I’m now seeing frameworks as a way in which I can expand and grow. I’m viewing a Relationship Design as a chance to get clear on what matters most and what we’re working towards. This way, we can put the right strategy and tactics in place to reach our desired outcome.
Are you interested in seeing more of our framework? Feel free to message me directly and I can share some rough prototypes.
