Relationship Baselines

What behaviors do you accept in relationships?

As we grow, expand, and build more self-love, our bar for how we wish to be treated in relationships transforms.  

This bar is known as our Relationship Baseline. It’s the minimum standard for how we expect to be treated in a relationship, whether it's romantic or platonic. It encompasses the behaviors, communication styles, and other essentials we require to engage in a relationship. The baseline represents the minimally acceptable behavior — in other words, it must be met.

Fourteen years ago, I got a bladder infection that turned into a kidney infection. After many requests and probing during a Dodger game, my then-boyfriend left the stadium with me and dropped me off at urgent care. I don’t recall where he went, but I was in the emergency clinic alone. I learned that my infection was severe; it was good that I had listened to my body. If I hadn’t come in and taken care of the infection in the right timeframe, my kidneys could have been severely affected.

After he came to pick me up, I shared the details with my then-boyfriend. He stared back at me blankly.

“Well, at least you’re fine now,” he shrugged his shoulders.

He then asked me where I wanted to be dropped off—he had plans with friends that evening.

I used to think that this type of behavior was okay—I didn’t expect a boyfriend to stay around while I didn’t feel well; my dad would have behaved similarly. He would have assumed that I had the medicine I needed and let me handle the healing on my own. There would be little to no displayed empathy, bending backward, or seeing what he could do to make me more comfortable.

And so, at twenty-one, I accepted the behavior of this boyfriend. This was my Relationship Baseline.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago (now, almost a decade and a half later). I got a bladder infection which turned into an ER visit for a kidney infection. (This time, in Lisbon).

The moment I texted my boyfriend, JP, letting him know I wasn’t feeling well, he asked what he could do for me. He ran to a few pharmacies in search of the products I had requested. He then returned and spent the afternoon with me, ensuring I was as comfortable as possible; he wanted me to feel taken care of.

That night, people were out celebrating Sant Antoni (a special yearly celebration of the patron saint of Lisbon). My body felt like it was stabilizing by then, and there was nothing more he could do to help me. JP ended up going to a party for a few hours, but prioritized stopping by my apartment before he celebrated, and left the party early to lay with me and keep me company before bed.

Though I had no idea how JP would act in this type of situation, I had been increasing my Relationship Baseline over the last few years; I wanted to consciously enter a relationship where there was empathetic behavior and genuine care for my emotions. Still, his behavior far exceeded what I expected.

In the past, I would have had a low Relationship Baseline, accepting less-than-respectful behavior (e.g. Dodger game boyfriend). I would make excuses, and tolerate or chose to turn a blind eye to negative behaviors, even when I knew I deserved better. As my baseline increased over the years, my tolerance for negative behavior has decreased.

Often, we settle for behaviors we think are fine, because they are something we’ve witnessed before; we think they’re normal. This can include how someone speaks to us when they’re frustrated, whether someone arrives on time or keeps us waiting, or other behaviors, such as how forthcoming someone is with us.

In some instances, we accept behaviors because they are what we saw modeled in our homes; so much of what we’re willing to accept in a relationship is ingrained in our family of origin and therefore becomes part of our baseline.

In order to improve our baseline, we may need to do some inner work (and therapy), surround ourselves with people who expand our notion of what’s possible in how we are treated, and unlearn the acceptance of certain behaviors. We also need to learn to love ourselves more, remembering that we can attract what we desire, but it only happens if we raise our bar.

These days, I’m only willing to accept relationships where there is open and honest communication, encouragement for personal growth, consistency and reliability, and genuine kindness and care. Anything below that baseline is not (romantic or platonic!) enough for me. (Side note: having higher standards in relationships can lead to us lose some relationships, and that’s okay. We’re keeping the space open for the ones that meet our baseline.)

Increasing our Relationship Baseline takes time and conscious effort, so we must be willing to give ourselves grace. This practice is one that requires both the inner work and conscious decision-making. We must first figure out what’s acceptable or not for us, and then we must stick to it. This is the only way to break our own glass ceilings and shift our internal paradigms.

Can you think of a time when you’ve gone below your baseline in a relationship? How did it make you feel? How have you grown your baseline over time?