Just Because We Love Someone, Doesn’t Mean We Should Be in a Relationship With Them.

It’s brave to break up.

Ending a relationship with someone we love, but with whom the future isn’t aligned, will likely be one of the most challenging relationship decisions we’ll make.

Seven years ago, I went through one of these breakups.

We were in a committed relationship for four years, though the last eleven months were spent discussing our breakup. We cared about one another, but we weren’t growing in the same direction. He was ready for deeper commitment and starting a family, and I was entering my late twenties and going through profound personal growth. I was becoming more embodied in who I was and subsequently rethinking what I wanted in a relationship.

My intuition had been pinging me for over a year and a half, whispering that I had to take closer inventory of this relationship. Though I appreciated the connection we had, I was also limited. Our interests differed, as did the way we wanted to spend our time. I wanted to meet new friends, learn about entrepreneurship, and explore my spirituality. I was curious about the world around me.

We initially met when I was 23 years old; I was recently out of college and had just started building a life in LA. During those four years, I had grown and changed beyond the confines of what our relationship container could provide.

Still, the relationship was comfortable. He was a good, kind human. He was close with his family. And he cared about me deeply. These are the qualities that people tell us we should want in a partner. These qualities made it difficult to walk away.

In retrospect, I can see that we were both unsure how to leave the relationship, because of how much time and effort had been spent investing in our time together.

In business and in psychology, there’s a term called sunk cost fallacy, which I like to describe as Investment Fallacy. This is a cognitive bias that refers to the tendency for individuals to continue investing in a decision—in this case, a relationship— based on the time and effort that has already been invested and the history of what’s been built together, rather that evaluating the relationship based on its current merits.

We often assume that we should continue a relationship because it once offered a great connection. Or we think we’re being irresponsible or ungrateful if we want something different, something more. We trick ourselves into thinking that we’ll return to the original connection once again. This isn’t to say that we can’t – but we need to recognize that relationships are constantly changing, and it’s important to grow in the same general direction in order to strengthen the bonds we have. Otherwise, we grow apart.

Recently, I’ve been seeing friends hold onto relationships that no longer serve them, simply because they have a shared history, a legal arrangement, or sadly—are afraid to start over. They planned to be with this person for the long-run, and there’s still a lot of good in the relationship. (Let’s be honest. There should be good in the relationship, otherwise why are we in it in the first place?)

Something inside them is saying that it’s no longer right, however.

For some, it’s based on a gut feeling they’ve had for months. Others are envisioning different futures. One of my friends no longer connects emotionally or physically in the way he used to with his girlfriend. Another one is at the upper limit of the relationship – his partner is unable to explore as deeply as he is.

The Investment Fallacy doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships. It can happen with friendships, hobbies, or social commitments. We also see it in education and career choices. We’re afraid to let go of what we’ve built.

While considering the history and investment in something is natural, it's equally important for us to assess current dynamics, happiness, and compatibility. The Investment Fallacy can keep us from making decisions that align with our present well-being and future happiness. Recognizing this bias can empower us to make more rational and emotionally healthy choices in relationships – and beyond.  

When I was moving through my breakup years ago, a friend told me that just because a relationship doesn’t end in death (in other words, it isn’t lifelong) doesn’t mean that it isn’t successful. It made me think, What if we began to reframe relationships, seeing all the lessons they’ve ushered in, instead of considering them failed, just because they didn’t last forever?

When it came to my four-year relationship, we eventually agreed that we weren’t on the same path and broke up. We mindfully approached the ending of our romantic relationship with a gradual transition, setting a breakup date to honor what we had built and experienced together. Ending our relationship in this way helped us look at the relationship with gratitude, create open communication about the change, and enabled us both move forward with a sense of resolution and acceptance.

Though it was a challenging period in my life, this breakup was ultimately a starting point for the deepest personal and spiritual growth I’ve experienced thus far. It was a Reflective Relationship that ultimately made room for the next version of me.

It also taught me that even if there’s love for someone, when a relationship doesn’t feel aligned, it’s okay to walk away from it. I can honor love and recognize that more than love is needed for a relationship to move forward.

Have you been in a similar situation? Or are you in the midst of ending a relationship that still has love? What have you learned in the process? I’d love to hear from you x