Our Greatest Assignments: Love, Lovers, Heartbreak & Breakthroughs

"Each person we encounter is a reflection of our own consciousness and an invitation to delve deeper into the truth of who we are." - Marianne Williamson

When we’re going through breakups, heartache, or sadness because a situation doesn’t unfold the way that we wanted it to, it’s easy to think that things aren’t working out for us. But there’s usually a lesson waiting to be uncovered.  Discovering the teachings hidden within a situation is what characterizes a Reflective Relationship. (More on this, below).  

At 34 I’ve had my share of love, lovers, heartbreaks and breakthroughs. I’ve dated emotionally unavailable men, men who have loved me right away, and those who thought they wanted to love me, but were just unable to do so. I've ventured into the realms of open relationships, monogamous partnerships, uncommitted non-monogamy, and relationships that masqueraded as committed, but deceived me.

In 2017, I dated one of my friends.

This was someone I had known for over a year. The beginning of our romance was filled with dopamine rushes and soulful serotonin. We had magnetic chemistry, engaged in deep discussions, shared an appreciation for self-development, and wanted similar things for the future. (And yes, the sex was also great.) I experienced a harmonious blend of intellectual, spiritual, and physical alignment— the Relationship Trifecta. He appeared to feel the same way, openly sharing how great our connection was, how good of a match we were, and how much he liked me.

About a month into dating, I received the following text:

Though I have the utmost respect for you and have enjoyed getting to know you, I do feel that something is missing for me in terms of connection. I don’t feel like we’re the right fit romantically.

I’ll share more about this romance in a future post.

Following that breakup, I went into a state of emotional turmoil. I analyzed everything I had done, how I could have acted differently, and what had prompted his change in feelings within just four weeks. This was my Inner Perfectionist overthinking what happened.

I sought out self-help books, searching for similar stories on the internet, and connected with a life coach to work through what had happened. This breakup ended up being an inflection point in my relationship to romantic partners and to a connection with myself. I was faced with the opportunity to become more conscious and self-aware. Relationships can do this for us.  

This relationship had triggered one of my deepest childhood wounds – a wound that seems to be prevalent in a lot of individuals – the one of not being chosen. Once I understood that this rejection was simply mirroring back to me what I needed to look at within myself, I started to see this connection as a Reflective Relationship. These are the relationships that show us where we can learn, grow, and evolve. They usually come in the form of romantic relationships, because that’s where people experience the deepest spectrum of situations and range of emotions. But all relationships – be they romantic, friendly, or familial – can be mirrors, allowing us to learn more about ourselves, expand our self-knowledge, and broaden our compassion, when we’re open to seeing them through this lens.

This Reflective Relationship taught me to prioritize self-love and free myself from (some) self-limiting narratives. It was a catalyst for my growth. But the growth didn’t happen simply because I was faced with this relationship; I had to go through discomfort and have the willingness to see the relationship in this new way.

Marianne Williamson says that “Each person we encounter is a reflection of our own consciousness and an invitation to delve deeper into the truth of who we are.” Eckart Tolle has a similar viewpoint, noting that “If I accept the fact that my relationships are here to make me conscious, instead of happy, then my relationships become a wonderful self-mastery tool that keeps realigning me with my higher purpose for living.”

Viewing each relationship and person we encounter as a chance for curiosity and growth brings us closer to our most authentic, connected selves.

Project Love is about lessons spanning (you guessed it!) love and relationships, psychology, and life lessons. Love is the origin of everything, and this channel welcomes those who seek to see love as a gateway to lessons and growth. Sometimes, stories of romance will grace these digital pages. Other times, the neuroscience of love and its intricacies will take center stage.

I'll explore relationship insights and questions from friends and readers. How this channel evolves is yet to be seen.

Whether I’m sharing personal stories or those of friends, my curiosity about the transformative power of relationships will drive the perspectives – and the way that all relationships can become Reflective if we’re willing to look at them with attention and care.