I Want a Slow Love.
I used to assume that an immediate, intense spark determined a relationship’s potential.
If I didn't feel that initial love spark, I would dismiss the connection. I considered it a sign that the person wasn't right for me.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that those immediate gravitational pulls could lead to people who weren’t so great for me. The spark was usually disguised as a lesson waiting to be uncovered. One that ended in a lot of growth, but also a lot of heartache.
These days, I’m exploring a more slowly-progressing attraction.
I met someone a few weeks before I left for my quarterly trip to Europe (I’ve been spending half the year in LA and the other half in Lisbon this past year). We met for coffee in Larchmont Village, a quaint street filled with bookstores, coffee shops, and trendy stores, right in the heart of LA.
I didn’t feel the spark right away, but I was instantly curious. He stood tall, at about 6’4, with broad shoulders and black wavy hair that hit right above his collar bone. He wore a loud Eastside outfit, a short-sleeve button-down, black trousers cut off at the ankles, and a pair of vintage loafers with white socks peering through.
Once we sat down with our iced-teas and began speaking, I noticed his unique temperament. He was confident, yet sensitive. Logical, with an artistic eye. He had Jason Mamoa energy. Our conversation centered around our foreign upbringings and shared love for travel.
We opened the relationship tab right away.
“I really enjoy the process of falling in love. I love getting to know someone’s unique intricacies,” he shared.
He explained that he didn’t sleep with people immediately. He had done that before, and it didn’t feel fulfilling. My ears perked up as I hadn’t heard a man speak this way. It was 2023 in Los Angeles. This reveal of his was almost poetic.
As much as I wanted to slowly learn about him, I also looked at the ticking calendar days. I was leaving for Lisbon in less than three weeks. I wanted to push things along. I wanted to see what kinds of feelings could develop.
Let’s just say that patience is not one of my strong suits.
We ended up seeing one another a few more times before I left LA. We saw a jazz concert, grabbed iced cream, explored museums, and got to know one another over dinner.
Throughout those weeks, there was no physicality. No touching. No kissing. No sex.
A few weeks after I got to Lisbon, his work schedule allowed him to visit for a quick 24 hours. We ended up spending the day walking up cobblestone streets, taking photographs of colorful ceramic facades, and enjoying pastel de nata and fresh squeezed orange juice from the Algarve.
At the end of the night, he dropped me off at home, kissed me for the first time, and told me he enjoyed his day with me.
As I walked up the stairs of my apartment that night, my brain started crunching questions. Did he actually like me? Was he attracted to me? Why did it take so long for us to kiss? Why didn’t he want to come up to my apartment or invite me back to his hotel room?
This moment reminded me of the Sex and the City episode with Carrie and Aiden, when he wants to take his time getting to know her. Meanwhile, she feels that something must be off. She’s dated countless men in New York City, and no one has ever taken their time to get to know her. She wonders, “Why doesn’t Aiden want to sleep with me? Is something wrong?”
"I want more than just sex. I want a big romance,” Aiden eventually explains his seemingly platonic behavior towards Carrie. He wants to wait until the relationship has grown. He emphasizes the importance of intimacy and emotional connection in addition to physical attraction.
Like Carrie, I’ve also forgotten that there’s romance in getting to know someone. There’s beauty in slowly learning about their values and understanding their complexities — instead of jumping into a love-struck vortex that emphasizes lust.
We sometimes think that just because a relationship is unfolding slowly, it means that it’s not right. But psychologists share that relationships that evolve and develop slowly tend to be more sustainable and fulfilling. They have a more solid foundation built on understanding, respect, and a deeper connection. Still, we’re so often impatient and put off when it comes to connections that aren’t an instantaneous surge of emotions.
I think about my love for other things in my life – places like Lisbon, where I’m currently residing. The first time I visited, I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t the same type of excitement and love I had for a city like Paris or Tokyo. My love for Lisbon gradually grew, as I spent more time here. I engaged with her winding streets, kind-natured people, hidden artistic expression and nature-filled corners. It was a slow love.
As for my slow romance, we decided to not pursue a relationship, as I’m planning a full-time move to Lisbon. Nevertheless, the connection was a beautiful reminder that slow connections can be wonderful. I can take time to get to know someone, understand their intricacies, and gradually love with who they really are. It doesn’t have to be a fast-lane romance.
We’ll just have to see how patient I am next time.
