My partner and I were talking about this exact subject last night. Each bringing our own baggage to a relationship in our early 40s, it's surreal to feel such deep investment and attention into who we are and how we relate to the world. To feel her curiosity and interest in who I am, beyond just how she's attracted to me and what I can do for her, but because who I am matters that much to her... It's priceless.
So happy that you've found that, Jared. It's honestly so special to be seen with curiosity versus judgment. It sounds like you two are building a really beautiful relationship together. Wishing you so much more growth and happiness 💗
As always, I appreciate your writing and nuances. Rich conversation.
That deep understanding meets something inside of us, that human craving that cries for ‘I am seen, heard and understood’… and perhaps it scratches something EVEN DEEPER… that aches for ‘and therefore I’m ok, I’m enough or I’m accepted’.
Agreeing and relating to the above comments too… I see the tension in understanding another vs having to agree with another. Questions of: can I be curious and compassionately inquire to another in order to understand them better in order to appreciate or connect with them better? Makes me ponder WHY we seek to understand and be understood. Vs Am I trying to convince them I’m right? Do I secretly want them to so deeply see my side or point of view so I can feel safe with them?
There is something about tribal acceptance, about finding your people, yes.
But I’m learning there’s peace and power in being loved, accepted and connected with someone even if they disagree and don’t like or understand (in their mind) something about me or what I’m doing. Perhaps it’s enough for them to express ‘I personally don’t understand this but I can see it matters to you, and that’s enough for me.’
This is so well expressed, I agree with the sentiments, especially where you mention that there's so much peace and power in being loved by someone even when we disagree or don't completely like their perspective. In my mind, understanding is more about learning to see the other's world view, not necessarily agree with their world view, I think that's the distinction you and the above individuals have shared.
“While we may understand our patterns intellectually, we often repeat them because they’re held in the body… Patterns begin to loosen when we allow ourselves to feel what we never got to feel the first time…”
This explains something many people struggle with. You can understand your patterns and still keep repeating them, because insight alone doesn’t change what’s been emotionally stored.
Real change happens when you finally let yourself feel what you once had to suppress. When those emotions are acknowledged instead of pushed down, the pattern doesn’t need to repeat anymore. It’s simple, human, and very real.
Feeling truly seen feels like finally exhaling into a world you’ve been holding your breath in. Being understood isn’t magic dust or telepathy, it’s someone choosing curiosity over judgment, presence over performance, remembering the small bits of you that feel too weird to mention out loud. It’s that rare comfort where silence feels cozy and vulnerability feels safe enough to breathe into. That kind of attunement isn’t just connection, it’s the place love finally gets a voice
I love this! Such a real reflection of what connectedness actually looks like and represents in real life (and not the false connectedness this new world of “internet connection” is pushing). It’s important we remember the significance of actual human to human connection, and how indeed it is a basic need for growth, development, and balance.
I’m so happy it resonated with you, Dr. Carolyn! You’re right, it’s so important for us to remember actual human connection, something that we truly need in our lives, and so many of us are missing these days.
This is a true kind of intimacy she’s pointing to. Not fireworks, not obsession, not intensity. Just the relief of being met where you actually are. Feeling understood is rare because it requires two brave things at once: someone willing to see, and someone willing to be seen. Chemistry is instinctive. Understanding is earned. It’s built through attention, memory, curiosity, and patience. Through someone staying long enough to notice your patterns, your pauses, your contradictions. Through someone caring about your interior world as much as their own.
So beautifully said, Dr. Nicole, couldn’t agree more with you. Especially love that understanding can be earned. It really is built through attention, memory, curiosity and patience. It doesn’t happen overnight.
Anna, Finally, I had the space to read carefully and reply. As always, this is a well-grounded and important reflection on what the ultimate goal of our relationships is (if there is one)
I definitely see myself in this. It’s exactly what I seek from my relationships. Not all of them have the capacity to offer that back, and that, in itself, confirms your thesis:
It sounds simple, but it’s rare. And it’s what we, as human beings, deeply crave.
I think is what we naturally receive or want from the moment we are born. The complexity comes from the fact that many of us weren’t offered that in childhood, and then we end up choosing the wrong partners 😅 till we learn( which I think could be another conversation part fo this one) lol. You can tell better.
Anyway, thank you for this offering of your work. I’m taking with me the reminder to be more mindful of how I show up in my relationships. 🙏✨
You're right re: the point about how that love and understanding is what we were wanting from the moment we received it, but most of us didn't have secure attachment styles from childhood, which absolutely affects that. I feel like you're reading my mind a bit! I'm currently working on a piece on our love patterns, and how we can actually work to change them in adulthood. Will share more soon x
P.S. My dreams have recently been super vivid , and you and Eleni were in my dream the other night. I shared with my partner the next morning, telling him that my Substack ladies and I hung out in my dream state. A bit bizarre, but also kind of cool because it genuinely felt like we were hanging out in real life :)
Aw Anna! What a loving dream. Holding the intention for a physical meeting one day!! What an honor would be. I do feel the same about you guys. It’s like a found my sisterhood on this side of the internet 🫶.
Looking forward to read this new piece, is a topic I have been interested myself ( obviously personal work lol) but I found this topic fascinating, always open to learn more about it, as it something I work not just within myself and others but the way Im consciously rising my son. 🦋
Strong piece, Anna. I share a similar origin story; early exposure to misattunement makes you either numb out or become obsessed with learning how love actually works.
One nuance I’ve seen (and wrote about in Connected Couples): “feeling understood” gets confused with “being agreed with.” The mature version is staying connected even when you don’t share the same interpretation, because the other person still feels met, not managed. Your “curiosity instead of judgment” is exactly the hinge.
I completely agree, and that's a really strong nuance. Being understood does not mean agreeing with everything and anything the other person says. I love this distinction, thank you for sharing it Andy!
Love that it landed, Anna. That distinction is the difference between intimacy and appeasement. Understanding says, “I can track you,” agreement says, “I’ll adopt your reality.” When couples learn to separate those, conflict stops being a threat early and and bear a chance to become usable information instead.
I appreciate this nuance. I grew up in a world where feeling understood was closely tied to agreement. We all agreed with one another, and because of that, we all felt understood.
That worked. Until we grew older and began forming thoughts, values, and questions that were no longer shared by the group.
What I’m wrestling with now is the question of connection with people who seem unwilling to understand because they’re unwilling to be curious about who I’m becoming.
I can see the value in staying open and non-defensive toward those relationships. What I’m struggling to see right now is the value in actively pursuing connection when curiosity isn’t mutual.
I’m genuinely curious how others here think about that tension.
I separate openness from pursuit. You can stay non-defensive without continuing to invest where curiosity isn’t mutual.
Two things I watch: is this a phase (they’re scared / rigid right now) or a pattern (this is how the relationship functions)? And what does staying close require you to shrink or self-censor?
When curiosity isn’t mutual, the value often shifts from “deeper connection” to clear boundaries + respectful distance— leaving the door unlocked without standing in it.
One clean move: “I want to stay connected, but I need curiosity to go both ways. Are you open to that?” The answer tells you a lot.
So well said, Andy. (And thank you for sharing so openly Evan!) I would agree with this, in the end, I believe two people need to be curious and open to acceptance and judgment if a healthy relationship is desired. Otherwise, it becomes a one-sides experience and eventually unravels the connection.
Exactly. I’d just add: curiosity doesn’t have to be equal at every moment, but it has to be reciprocal over time. If it’s consistently one-sided, it’s not connection, more endurance.
My partner and I were talking about this exact subject last night. Each bringing our own baggage to a relationship in our early 40s, it's surreal to feel such deep investment and attention into who we are and how we relate to the world. To feel her curiosity and interest in who I am, beyond just how she's attracted to me and what I can do for her, but because who I am matters that much to her... It's priceless.
So happy that you've found that, Jared. It's honestly so special to be seen with curiosity versus judgment. It sounds like you two are building a really beautiful relationship together. Wishing you so much more growth and happiness 💗
Thank you so much! 😊
As always, I appreciate your writing and nuances. Rich conversation.
That deep understanding meets something inside of us, that human craving that cries for ‘I am seen, heard and understood’… and perhaps it scratches something EVEN DEEPER… that aches for ‘and therefore I’m ok, I’m enough or I’m accepted’.
Agreeing and relating to the above comments too… I see the tension in understanding another vs having to agree with another. Questions of: can I be curious and compassionately inquire to another in order to understand them better in order to appreciate or connect with them better? Makes me ponder WHY we seek to understand and be understood. Vs Am I trying to convince them I’m right? Do I secretly want them to so deeply see my side or point of view so I can feel safe with them?
There is something about tribal acceptance, about finding your people, yes.
But I’m learning there’s peace and power in being loved, accepted and connected with someone even if they disagree and don’t like or understand (in their mind) something about me or what I’m doing. Perhaps it’s enough for them to express ‘I personally don’t understand this but I can see it matters to you, and that’s enough for me.’
This is so well expressed, I agree with the sentiments, especially where you mention that there's so much peace and power in being loved by someone even when we disagree or don't completely like their perspective. In my mind, understanding is more about learning to see the other's world view, not necessarily agree with their world view, I think that's the distinction you and the above individuals have shared.
Absolutely agree Anna, that distinction is so crucial and often lost if we’re not intentional and able to engage from regulation.
Thanks for this fantastic discussion
“While we may understand our patterns intellectually, we often repeat them because they’re held in the body… Patterns begin to loosen when we allow ourselves to feel what we never got to feel the first time…”
This explains something many people struggle with. You can understand your patterns and still keep repeating them, because insight alone doesn’t change what’s been emotionally stored.
Real change happens when you finally let yourself feel what you once had to suppress. When those emotions are acknowledged instead of pushed down, the pattern doesn’t need to repeat anymore. It’s simple, human, and very real.
Yes, exactly! And it’s so important that we have to feel it to heal it. That’s the only way forward x
Feeling truly seen feels like finally exhaling into a world you’ve been holding your breath in. Being understood isn’t magic dust or telepathy, it’s someone choosing curiosity over judgment, presence over performance, remembering the small bits of you that feel too weird to mention out loud. It’s that rare comfort where silence feels cozy and vulnerability feels safe enough to breathe into. That kind of attunement isn’t just connection, it’s the place love finally gets a voice
Yes, I love this Belinda, where silence feels cozy - such a great description of an understanding love x
I love this! Such a real reflection of what connectedness actually looks like and represents in real life (and not the false connectedness this new world of “internet connection” is pushing). It’s important we remember the significance of actual human to human connection, and how indeed it is a basic need for growth, development, and balance.
I’m so happy it resonated with you, Dr. Carolyn! You’re right, it’s so important for us to remember actual human connection, something that we truly need in our lives, and so many of us are missing these days.
This is a true kind of intimacy she’s pointing to. Not fireworks, not obsession, not intensity. Just the relief of being met where you actually are. Feeling understood is rare because it requires two brave things at once: someone willing to see, and someone willing to be seen. Chemistry is instinctive. Understanding is earned. It’s built through attention, memory, curiosity, and patience. Through someone staying long enough to notice your patterns, your pauses, your contradictions. Through someone caring about your interior world as much as their own.
So beautifully said, Dr. Nicole, couldn’t agree more with you. Especially love that understanding can be earned. It really is built through attention, memory, curiosity and patience. It doesn’t happen overnight.
I have experienced this before 🥹
It’s so wonderful. We all deserve it. 💗
Anna, Finally, I had the space to read carefully and reply. As always, this is a well-grounded and important reflection on what the ultimate goal of our relationships is (if there is one)
I definitely see myself in this. It’s exactly what I seek from my relationships. Not all of them have the capacity to offer that back, and that, in itself, confirms your thesis:
It sounds simple, but it’s rare. And it’s what we, as human beings, deeply crave.
I think is what we naturally receive or want from the moment we are born. The complexity comes from the fact that many of us weren’t offered that in childhood, and then we end up choosing the wrong partners 😅 till we learn( which I think could be another conversation part fo this one) lol. You can tell better.
Anyway, thank you for this offering of your work. I’m taking with me the reminder to be more mindful of how I show up in my relationships. 🙏✨
Thank you for the best reflections, always, Jen!
You're right re: the point about how that love and understanding is what we were wanting from the moment we received it, but most of us didn't have secure attachment styles from childhood, which absolutely affects that. I feel like you're reading my mind a bit! I'm currently working on a piece on our love patterns, and how we can actually work to change them in adulthood. Will share more soon x
P.S. My dreams have recently been super vivid , and you and Eleni were in my dream the other night. I shared with my partner the next morning, telling him that my Substack ladies and I hung out in my dream state. A bit bizarre, but also kind of cool because it genuinely felt like we were hanging out in real life :)
Aw Anna! What a loving dream. Holding the intention for a physical meeting one day!! What an honor would be. I do feel the same about you guys. It’s like a found my sisterhood on this side of the internet 🫶.
Looking forward to read this new piece, is a topic I have been interested myself ( obviously personal work lol) but I found this topic fascinating, always open to learn more about it, as it something I work not just within myself and others but the way Im consciously rising my son. 🦋
Understanding is connection and connection makes intimacy more intimate.
Absolutely agree!
Strong piece, Anna. I share a similar origin story; early exposure to misattunement makes you either numb out or become obsessed with learning how love actually works.
One nuance I’ve seen (and wrote about in Connected Couples): “feeling understood” gets confused with “being agreed with.” The mature version is staying connected even when you don’t share the same interpretation, because the other person still feels met, not managed. Your “curiosity instead of judgment” is exactly the hinge.
I completely agree, and that's a really strong nuance. Being understood does not mean agreeing with everything and anything the other person says. I love this distinction, thank you for sharing it Andy!
Love that it landed, Anna. That distinction is the difference between intimacy and appeasement. Understanding says, “I can track you,” agreement says, “I’ll adopt your reality.” When couples learn to separate those, conflict stops being a threat early and and bear a chance to become usable information instead.
I appreciate this nuance. I grew up in a world where feeling understood was closely tied to agreement. We all agreed with one another, and because of that, we all felt understood.
That worked. Until we grew older and began forming thoughts, values, and questions that were no longer shared by the group.
What I’m wrestling with now is the question of connection with people who seem unwilling to understand because they’re unwilling to be curious about who I’m becoming.
I can see the value in staying open and non-defensive toward those relationships. What I’m struggling to see right now is the value in actively pursuing connection when curiosity isn’t mutual.
I’m genuinely curious how others here think about that tension.
Yes, that tension is real, Evan.
I separate openness from pursuit. You can stay non-defensive without continuing to invest where curiosity isn’t mutual.
Two things I watch: is this a phase (they’re scared / rigid right now) or a pattern (this is how the relationship functions)? And what does staying close require you to shrink or self-censor?
When curiosity isn’t mutual, the value often shifts from “deeper connection” to clear boundaries + respectful distance— leaving the door unlocked without standing in it.
One clean move: “I want to stay connected, but I need curiosity to go both ways. Are you open to that?” The answer tells you a lot.
So well said, Andy. (And thank you for sharing so openly Evan!) I would agree with this, in the end, I believe two people need to be curious and open to acceptance and judgment if a healthy relationship is desired. Otherwise, it becomes a one-sides experience and eventually unravels the connection.
Exactly. I’d just add: curiosity doesn’t have to be equal at every moment, but it has to be reciprocal over time. If it’s consistently one-sided, it’s not connection, more endurance.
Will definitely check it out! x