What modern women really want
No, it's not Trust Fund, 6’5, Blue Eyes
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he asked me a question that left me momentarily puzzled:
“What can I offer you in a relationship, if you can provide everything for yourself?”
By asking this, he wanted to understand how he could truly show up in our partnership.
For a woman who is financially independent, emotionally self-aware, and unafraid to move through the world confidently, his question carried weight.
Yes, I can do everything myself. But it doesn’t mean I want to.
I don’t need a man. I want a man. A good man.
It got me thinking about what it means for men to be good partners in relationships today. (Please note, I’m writing about heterosexual relationships, as that’s my personal experience. I can’t speak of same-sex relationships, but perhaps some of this will still be applicable if you’re an independent person who is partnered up or is looking for a partnership.)
Historically, men had clear roles as providers. Being a good partner meant working hard and earning money. Supporting the family from a financial perspective was the rule, not the exception. In 1972, men were the primary or sole earners in 85% of opposite-sex marriages. By 2022, this figure dropped to 55%, showcasing a substantial rise in women contributing equally or being the main earners in their families.
In his book Of Boys and Men, author Richard V. Reeves discusses the challenges modern men face in relationships, including feelings of confusion about how to support their partners meaningfully.
Societal shifts, namely, women’s roles in society, have expanded. This has left many men uncertain about their roles. Men are genuinely confused, unsure of how to show up in a way that feels meaningful and supportive.
In truth, modern women still appreciate a partner who contributes practically. That includes helping pay for rent, splitting the costs of everyday purchases, as well as sharing responsibilities at home—dinner cleanup, folding laundry, or fixing things around the house.
A great cohabitation partner is just the starting point, however. Women are looking for someone who provides us with their presence and the ability to validate our emotional experience. We’re looking for an emotional partner.
We want men who are emotionally available. Men who have empathy. Men who tap into their emotional intelligence and maturity.
What we crave in our relationships is a partner who can hold space for our range of emotions (thanks to our hormonal cycles, we have an added layer of them at certain points in time!) —someone who listens when we’re feeling overwhelmed, creates a safe environment for us to express our feelings without judgment, and takes the time to understand us.
Women are looking for someone who provides us with their emotional presence, and the ability to validate our emotional experience. (Side note: Most men who are emotionally aware want this, too.)
Though women have grown up having access to their emotional palette, our culture has taught men to disregard their emotions. As a result, many men don’t have access to their emotions; they shut themselves off, work, and do other things to omit feeling. For a man to be able to hold space for women’s emotions, he must also have the capacity to tune into his. Then, and only then, will he be able to support women in the ways we desire.
It’s important to note that being a good emotional partner is possible without men losing their sense of self. But this type of support requires stepping into a new kind of masculinity—one that’s grounded in strength, empathy, and attentiveness.
It means listening without trying to solve problems. Seeking to understand. Being present to listen to us speak. Validating our emotions, instead of dismissing feelings as “too much” or trying to rationalize them. Paying attention to non-verbal cues and asking thoughtful questions. Noticing when we’re stressed or in need of support. Staying engaged and making room for vulnerability.
Relationships today are evolving, and with that come new opportunities for growth as individuals and as partners. While the traditional idea of being a “provider” may be less relevant in modern partnerships, what men can provide is just as, if not more, valuable—emotional depth, compassion, and true co-partnership in relationships.
What my boyfriend offered when he asked that pivotal question was humility and a commitment to growth. He was asking because he cared. And that intentional care, that willingness to step up and explore new ways of connection, is the foundation of a conscious relationship.
If you’re a man and wondering what you can offer in your relationships, start with the things that can’t be measured in dollars. Ask how you can be a stronger pillar for the woman you love—or for the other women in your life.
He asked what he can offer you and you answered with teaching him how to be a man, essentially. You told him about the new age of masculinity or wtv you called it.
In the reverse, what do you offer him? Women (not just you) can wax poetic about what they want and exactly what a man should contort himself into to provide it but not so much about what men want and how y’all provide that. 🤔
I love the sincerity of this piece.
I want to gently challenge these lines: “I can do everything myself. I don’t need a man. I want a man. A good man.”
I used to say the same. But something in me no longer resonates with that posture.
Because while many women can do everything themselves — and often have to — it doesn’t mean we were meant to.
I believe women were meant to have a man in their life.
Not in a disempowered way. Not in a clingy, dependent way. But in the most human and honest way.
We need masculine presence.
We need co-regulation — which, by definition, we can’t do alone.
We need the grounding, the witnessing, the protection, the devotion of a good man.
We need someone to build with, dream with, soften into.
So my invitation is to inquire whether the “I don’t need, I just want” framing isn't masking a fear of disappointment or dependence.
Needing isn’t a weakness. Our current societal paradigm makes us think so. But when we look at our very human nature, dependence and need are relational truths. It’s biology. It’s the natural dance of feminine and masculine.
My take is: we weren’t made to do life alone.
It’s OK to say I need a man — because in the depth of what makes us woman, we do.
(And the same is true for men — they need us too.)
When a woman has a good man in her life — a grounded one, whose presence helps her become even more of who she is — it’s an expression of the divine.
PS. Of course, this is a generalization, and some women and some men are lone wolves. But honestly, I've met many of these, and many of them admitted, in a vulnerable moment, craving a companion.