Want to be loved for who you are?
On authenticity and ditching masks.
We all want to be loved for who we are.
Within the first week of getting to know one another, my now-boyfriend and I took a day trip to Comporta, a small beach town south of Lisbon.
We talked about everything. JP was especially open about sharing his relationship desires, his past, stories of what he’d experienced before, and what made him, him.
He put all his cards on the table.
It was refreshing, but also different from anything I had ever experienced. Though I had met people who showed their authentic nature from the get-go, authenticity in dating was rarer for me.
So often, people try to be what they think someone else wants them to be, especially in relationships.
We put on our best behavior, pretending to be an extrovert when, really, we’re an introvert. We find out about the other person and mold ourselves to be like them to get them to fall in love with us. Or we withhold certain information that we believe might ruin our chances of them falling in love.
Months or years down the line, these facades unravel, and we’re no longer able to keep up with the false self. We return to who we truly are. We show who we really are.
Gabor Mate, a renowned physician and author says that “When we are young, we learn to suppress our authenticity to fit in and gain love. In adulthood, this suppression of self becomes the source of our suffering.”
When I asked JP why he was sharing so much, so soon, and so openly, he answered, “I don’t want to play games. I want to be loved for who I am.”
This conversation set the tone for our relationship. From that point on, we decided to be authentic in all our interactions.
The key to any lasting relationship is to show up as our full selves right away. There will be things that are beautiful, appreciated, and loved, and other things that won’t be aligned with what the person in front of us desires.
The sooner we get to know each other, the more we can fully accept and love one another. For instance, if we only show 40% of ourselves, we will never feel completely loved. We’ll continue worrying about the 60% we aren’t showing, which might not be appreciated. By sharing all parts of ourselves, we can be more open, more genuine. Nothing is held back.
Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston, has extensively explored themes of authenticity (and the vulnerability it takes to get to an authentic space).
Her work on authenticity and self-acceptance requires a daily commitment to relinquish who we think we should be and to accept who we truly are.
According to Brené, living authentically involves setting boundaries, being truthful about our emotions, and making choices that align with our values instead of conforming to external pressures. These elements allow us to be in the present moment more but also be better partners in a relationship.
I had done a lot of inner-work before meeting JP, and behaving authentically still came with its challenges.
Though I wanted to be true to myself, my Eastern European upbringing raised me quite differently. I still have the voice of my small and feisty maternal grandmother giving me relationship advice, “Don’t share everything with a man – keep certain things for yourself.”
Given this programming and my struggle with perfectionism, I had difficulty sharing myself vulnerably, especially in the beginning of my relationship.
At the start of my relationship, I felt like I needed to put on a happy face, even when I felt challenges, instead of showcasing sadness, anger, or frustration. As I mentioned in a previous post, I wasn’t taught to showcase all my emotions, especially in front of men, because when those emotions were seen as less than perfect, I assumed they were looked upon negatively.
In truth, showcasing who we truly are make us more human. No one actually falls in love with a robot. We fall in love with people’s humanity. Our quirks also set a more truthful foundation for the relationship.
It took time for me to open up and share myself authentically, but because JP created a safe space to share all sides of myself, our relationship was built on a foundation of openness and authenticity from the get-go.
When we’re more authentic, we can be more open with all of ourselves – the good, the bad, the challenges. We can connect more closely to those we’re in relationships with – whether it’s our partner, friends, or family members.
The people who are meant to be in our lives will stay, and those connections will be built on better soil, bringing more growth over time.
Authenticity in relationships starts with turning inward—knowing and honoring what matters most to us. It’s about owning our story, imperfections, and letting our values guide the way. True connection happens when we allow ourselves to be seen, even in moments of vulnerability. At its core, authenticity is about courage: showing up as we are, not who we assume we’re supposed to be.
What might be your first step in being more authentic?
all.of.this!!! SO so good!!
this photo of you!!!