There are no rules
Exploring Alternative Relationship Styles
Our upbringing shapes the way we view love and connections.
If I were to grow up in the context of a hippie community, loving and being intimate with multiple partners would have been considered the norm. However, having been raised in a Western culture (and religious household) led me to believe that desiring exclusivity in a romantic relationship was the only option, the natural route.
In college, I had a boyfriend, but I also had strong feelings for someone else. This other person felt similarly about me, even though he had a high-school sweetheart. We were both in relationships with other people, but we still managed to find ways to be around one another.
I used to berate myself for loving my boyfriend but also really liking the other guy. I had been indoctrinated with the belief that we choose one person to love and have a relationship with, and all our attention should focus on that romantic connection.
Despite this, I felt an attraction and connection that I hadn’t felt with anyone else. It was a different feeling than the love I shared for my then-boyfriend. It was adventurous and playful, full of belly-aching laughter. This other person brought out a funny, playful version of me. I liked who I was around him.
Eventually, we decided that since we were in relationships with other people, we should no longer speak to or see one another. Our relationship never left the initial stage, due to the traditional constructs we placed on it.
Back then, I didn’t think I could have more than one romantic relationship at a time, unless it was a casual dating experience. Romantic love was reserved for one person.
Around the same time in college, I took a class called Sociology of Deviance. We studied everything from why certain drugs have been outlawed in America over the years to why individuals looked upon gay marriage in a negative light, and why some people get upset when someone stands backways in an elevator. None of these things are inherently wrong. They’re just different from the norm and have been controlled through a narrative, (and often culturally and legislatively) to create a desired order and coherence in society.
The same can be said for romantic relationships.
Many of us have been indoctrinated with the belief that we should only love one romantic partner (at a time). The narrative says that if the partner is the right one, they should fulfill what we’re looking for. Having multiple partnerships dilutes the romantic connection we have.
This past year, I had a first-hand experience exploring an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Ethical non-monogamy is a blanket term used for various relationship structures that allow for multiple partners with the consent of all involved (it includes open relationships, polyamory, swinging, and other consensual non-monogamous arrangements). At its core, it's about transparency, respect, and the freedom to create a love life that resonates with individual needs – versus what society has told us is right or wrong in terms of a relationship structure.
My ethically-non monogamous Parisian lover introduced me to the idea that it was okay to have more than one close romantic relationship at the same time. He believed that different individuals fulfilled distinct facets of our romantic desires. Relationships could live alongside one another if there was openness and honesty from the beginning.
My connection with him led me to question many of my long-held relationship beliefs. The relationship also brought up new questions. What if certain individuals can fulfill our needs in different ways, catering to specific moments or circumstances? Are we seeking too much from one romantic partner? In what context, and in what type of community, can ethical non-monogamy work? (I’ll explore some of these questions in more depth in future posts.)
As I’ve opened myself up to learning about alternative relationships, I’ve realized that many people around me are already creating their own flavors of connection. I recently met a woman who is polyamorous. She has a long-term partner of 15 years, as well as a man she’s more recently fallen in love with. Her partners are also exploring alternate relationship dynamics with other people. Each relationship is unique, and therefore connects in different ways. (Side note— in polyamorous dynamics, everyone knows about the other relationships that individuals have.)
Another friend recently opened her previously monogamous relationship. Since her and her partner have introduced this new relationship dynamic, their relationship has gained more depth and openness. They’re exploring the limits of their connection, and both feel more connected and satisfied as a result.
We’re recognizing that there’s no one way to love and be in relationship. Many people are prototyping alternative relationship styles, and society seems to gradually be more accepting of this truth. (I’ve recently seen a variety of articles in the New York Times about open relationships and even polyamory). In some ways, I wonder if humans are returning to the more communal bonds of our ancestors.
Though I’m more of a romantic monogamist by default, my Parisian connection expanded my perceptions. There are many different types of romantic relationships. Romantic love can operate beyond the confines of societal scripts and can still be beautifully fulfilling. There might be a time when a monogamous relationship is more aligned, and there might be times when are more open relationship supports the connection.
Whether we choose to keep a more traditional relationship focus or prefer to go an alternate route, it’s important to remember that we can create our own relationship rules. We can develop something that works for us and those we’re in a relationship with. And if we personally cannot love more than one person at a time, we can still get curious about others’ capacity to do so. We can open ourselves up to all the variations of love.
Have you been interested in alternative romantic connections? If so, what would you like to know more about?
Great read