The relationship ritual that builds long-term love
Auditing your love life
Courageous conversations and regular check-ins aren’t just optional; they’re the backbone of a thriving relationship.
When running a business, we schedule quarterly reviews and annual board meetings to assess performance, align goals, and plan for growth. As employees, we receive feedback through yearly 360 reviews to understand where we are and pinpoint opportunities for the future. The same logic applies to other areas of life, like annual health check-ups, dental cleanings, or even routine car maintenance.
We often forget that healthy relationships, especially partnerships, require commitment, maintenance, strategy, clear communication, and accountability. Activating these behaviors requires conscious care and effort, because relationships are made up of two people. (We have different preferences, feelings, experiences, and world views that should be taken into account.)
Checking in with our partners can help stop the potential build-up of disconnection, keeping our relationship strong and resilient for the long-term. When we check-in, challenges can be brought up. We can better understand the perspective of the other. It also gives us a chance to realign, address concerns, and grow together, pivoting if needed.
A couple weeks ago, I had dinner with a friend’s parents. The couple is in their 70s, has been married for over 44 years, raised two kids, and are now grandparents to three grandchildren. They’re active, open minded, and willing to trying new things with one another to grow and deepen their bond.
When my partner and I inquired about the secret to their long and healthy marriage, they shared something simple, yet profound:
Each year, they hold a "Summit" to reflect on their relationship. It’s a chance to talk openly about what’s working, address any concerns, set goals, and make future plans. The “Summit” takes place over the course of the weekend (but the couple checks in on a more regular basis, too!)
They believe that these regular, yearly check-ins (they’ve done 44 now!) are the reason their relationship has stayed strong, while so many others around them didn’t make it past ten or twenty years.
My friend’s mother co-wrote The Working Relationship at the start of their relationship (back in the late 80s). The book dives deeper into the weekend experience and offers guidance on navigating relationships. It’s a practical approach that feels both doable and meaningful.
My partner and I did our own research into behavioral psychology, The Working Relationship, Gottman Institute research, as well as the work of Stan Tatkin PhD. Though our deep dive and our own relationship experience, we were inspired to design an evaluation and check-in process of our own, which we call the Love Review.
(Side note: if you’ve been following my writing for some time, you’ll know that this is rooted in our relationship design and foundations. I’ll have more info about this soon, as we just got the proof copy of our workbook, A Love Plan, this week and are very excited to share more!)
Twice a year, we carve out time for a Love Review. Over the course of two days, we move through our foundations, the systems we’ve created, and shared dreams—and we reflect on where we are and where we’re going. We balance the deeper conversations with moments of connection, creativity, and joy (which might include a beautiful hike, a couple’s massage, discovering a new restaurant while traveling, or trying something for the first time together, like a ceramics class.)
During our Love Review, we talk about everything: our emotional connection, physical intimacy, finances, habits, shared goals, household rhythms. The intention is to ensure nothing gets swept under the rug; we want to make sure we’re in general alignment on the most important topics.
We do this because sometimes, even a slight shift in alignment can lead two people to very different places. (Think of two cruise ships drifting just one degree apart. After a year of traveling 20,000 km, they end up over 349 km away from each other. And that’s the impact of just one degree.)
This doesn’t mean our relationships have to be perfect (they’ll never be). But we’ve seen what happens when couples don’t check in regularly or have the important conversations: one person suddenly shares they want to move to Australia, and the other is caught completely off guard. One individual is ready to have a baby within the next year, while the other wasn’t thinking of kids for another five. Desires aren’t spoken about, and then they cause resentment.
Alignment isn’t about perfection. Alignment is about staying connected—on purpose.
In addition to the above topics, we also ask each other the following questions during our Love Review:
What’s been feeling really great between us?
What feels like it needs more attention?
How are we showing up as partners—and how are we avoiding acting like a team?
Are we living by our personal and collective values?
Does it feel that we’re growing together?
What do we want to create in the next season? What changes do we need to make?
The conversations we have aren’t always easy, but they’re always grounding. New feelings and topics always surface, and some issues peep their heads back up, waiting to be solved (or at least looked into!).
We recently finished another Love Review, and it brought up feelings that I didn’t realize had been hidden. It brought desires to light that we needed to address and discuss. And it helped us game-plan and prioritize the things that are important to both of us over the next few months (such as focusing on building more community in Lisbon, launching our workbook and creative projects, and prioritizing time with our families).
These open, honest Love Reviews have taught me that relationships are sustained by the courage to speak truthfully and the willingness to listen deeply. They’ve taught me that it’s essential that couples keep checking in with one another. Not at nauseum, but with these types of yearly or bi-yearly off-sites.
Though there are serious conversations during these intentional check-ins, the Love Reviews are also a time to celebrate how far we’ve come since the last time we met and how much we’ve changed.
When we hold space for both celebration of what is, and course-correction for what might be, we remember that conscious, deep partnership is something we build over time, not something we simply fall into.
If you’re interested in learning more about our Love Reviews, please leave a comment or direct message me. I have a bunch of resources (and a new site launching soon!) so please stay tuned.
I’ve learned a lot about love and relationships from your channel. And this idea of the check-in is so wonderful and I’m gonna use it with my clients if you don’t mind. I’m a mental health therapist.