The real reason we repeat the same patterns in love
A psychological guide to breaking the cycle
There’s the moment when we meet someone amazing, and something inside us lights up. This person feels different, unlike anyone we’ve chosen before. We’re convinced we’ve finally changed our relationship patterns, especially after a string of not-so-great connections. This new person seems emotionally aware, stable, and free of the usual red flags.
We tell ourselves with confidence: this time, I’m choosing differently.
And then, weeks or months later, the person begins to show a familiar pattern. Maybe they’re emotionally unavailable. Maybe they cling too much. Perhaps familiar communication issues appear.
And we wonder… Were we attracted to a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Were they hiding this from us, only to reveal it later?
The answer is likely no.
The uncomfortable truth is that the only constant across all of our relationships is us.
This isn’t about blame or thinking, “It’s all my fault.” Instead, it’s an invitation to get curious. If we want our relationships to change, we have to examine our own patterns first.
(Side note: we can’t change other people. The only thing we can change is our awareness, our patterns, and ourselves. This is the foundation for choosing different relationships.)
Psychology suggests that we’re often attracted to wounds that haven’t fully healed within us. For instance, if we experienced abandonment in childhood, we may feel drawn to partners who recreate that feeling. If we had an emotionally unavailable parent, we may feel magnetized to that same unavailability in a romantic partner.
We think we’re choosing someone who is “our type,” but often our type is shaped by our wounds. We choose based on those wounds, because our brain plays a larger role in who we love than we realize. The part of the brain responsible for early attachment teaches our body what love is.
So if love felt safe and steady, a relationship that’s calm feels like belonging. If love felt conditional, chaotic, or distant, our nervous system may associate love with tension. In this case, love feels like work, love feels risky, love is a rollercoaster of emotions.
Ultimately, our brain seeks comfort. And comfort doesn’t always mean healthy. It often means familiar.
Even when we know we should choose differently, our subconscious can still pull us toward partners (and friendships and even business colleagues) that replay old emotional patterns. That’s why “fireworks” often feel like chemistry, even when the relationship isn’t healthy.
This isn’t about judging ourselves or our past, but about becoming aware of the patterns that shape our relationships.
It’s difficult to experience deep fulfillment in partnership without some degree of inner work. If we’re carrying unresolved pain, even the most incredible person (someone who checks every box!) may still not feel right. We might struggle to receive love fully, or even sabotage the relationship.
When I first started looking honestly at my own patterns, I had to face a hard truth: I kept choosing people who weren’t actually available. I convinced myself the “hard to get” dynamic was exciting or romantic, mostly because that’s what I grew up seeing. In my body, love and unavailability were tangled up together.
Eventually, I had to decide whether I wanted to keep reliving the pattern, or finally step out of it.
While we may understand our patterns intellectually, we often repeat them because they’re held in the body. Patterns begin to loosen when we allow ourselves to feel what we never got to feel the first time, when we allow the emotions to move through us, instead of staying stored within us.
From there, healing can happen when we meet the original wound with a new, opposite experience.
For instance, if the wound said, “When I was fully myself, love left,” the repair becomes, “When I am fully myself, love stays.”
If it said, “I’m not enough,” the repair becomes, “I am enough. I have always been enough. I am lovable as I am.”
We need to see, feel, and internalize these new experiences for them to be imprinted on our hearts and minds. Our brains require proof in order to change. (But the beauty is, they can change!)
Our patterns don’t shift overnight. They change as we update our beliefs about love, notice examples of healthy connection around us, and give our nervous system time to learn what safety in love actually feels like.
Bit by bit, we can change not only how we experience love, but the kind of love we’re able to choose.
We’re not doomed to repeat the same patterns forever. The moment we notice them, we’re already on the path to breaking them.
We can choose differently. We can update our story. We can open ourselves to the love we’ve been craving.
What love patterns are you ready to break?
Thank you so much for reading along. I’m so grateful to have you here.
If this piece resonated with you, I’d love to invite you to join me for my FREE Self Love Workshop next Friday, January 30th at 12pm ET (9am PT / 5pm GMT).
Together, we’ll explore the root causes of self-love blocks, reconnect with ourselves, experience a healing guided meditation, and leave with practical tools you can carry forward. Share your email here and I’ll be in touch with you via email.
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For a long time I picked people that represented my unhealed relationships with my parents. I didn't realize for a long time, but eventually I started seeing the patterns and I realized I was trying to get the approval and validation through those people, instead of giving it to myself. That proved to be a game changer.
Here I am the one who chooses emotionally unavailable people and people who eventually will abandon me 😂 I'll try to choose different next time or at least having the guts to say when I feel something isn't right instead of accepting things passively like I don't have a voice in a relationship