The number one love killer
Behavior that creates instant disconnection
Someone says something, and we immediately feel attacked, our inner guard ready to fight. We either push off the commentary, or try to justify our behavior, hoping that it’ll make us look or feel better.
Humans can be defensive. Especially when we're confronted with feedback that clashes with our self-perception.
Sometimes, when my boyfriend makes an observation, I interpret it as a critique. (Side note: I’ve historically been sensitive to anything less than perfect feedback from those around me. It reminds me of how I’d feel back in school—praise and positive remarks were easy to accept, but a single negative grade or comment stayed with me longer than I’d like to admit.)
Relationships (especially romantic ones!) tend to be our greatest practice-ground; They often bring with them lessons we haven’t fully internalized.
For me, defensiveness is one of them.
Defensiveness is a love killer in any relationship, because it closes us up, putting up walls between us and the sharer of a comment we perceive as less-than-ideal.
This behavior happens in romantic relationships, friendship, family, and even at work.
From a psychological standpoint, defensiveness is a result of early childhood pain. It’s been shown that those who get defensive either felt less warmth and love from their parents when a negative comment was made, or they felt there was less admiration (or in rarer cases, there was anger of frustration.)
Another reason many of us also get defensive because we’re afraid of being imperfect. We’re afraid that if we’re imperfect, we’re unlovable. (I fall into this camp, and it’s something I’m still working through.)
In truth, love can coexist alongside honest feedback. We can surround ourselves with individuals who love us unconditionally and voice their viewpoints or opinions to us. Even if they’re not always positive.
Instead of acting defensively, we can observe comments as information that allows us to learn and grow. (Side note, this doesn’t mean that constant critique is okay in relationships. I’m also not talking about mean commentary or verbal abuse. This is never an invitation for someone to accept abuse of any kind.)
As I’ve been working on being more open to all types of feedback, I’m also working on taking things less personally. I recognize that my partner has his own set of preferences and has things that irritate him (as do I). Having a more open perspective for our thoughts and opinions allows us to begin a dialogue, versus assuming that the love we have is in danger because he makes a comment I don’t appreciate.
Some things that have helped me become more open and less defensive in my relationship:
Taking a moment to pause. Really feeling the feeling that’s coming up, before speaking.
Getting curious about the commentary that’s been made — is there any kernel of truth in it? Why does the comment hurt? Where does it hurt? Is the issue with how the comment was said, or is it my interpretation of what was said that’s an issue?
Having a dialogue about what was said. Asking for more clarification. I like to ask the, “What do you mean?” and “Why do you think that?” questions.
Reframing the comment as a learning. Seeing if there’s anything that can be done differently moving forward. For instance, is the commentary urging change? Or is it a matter of preference?
All of us can learn to look at the things that are not-so-perfect about ourselves with more curiosity, a sample of how we’re just being human.
My partner and I have become really self-aware with our defensiveness lately. When we notice the behavior in the other person, a smirk or small smile typically emerges, followed by laughter. We giggle, realizing what we’re doing, and instead of shutting down, we continue with an open dialogue on what’s happening and how we can work through it in the future.
How about you? Have you acted in a defensive way lately? Can you get a little more curious about the feelings coming up, before jumping to justification or shutting down?