While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes. At first glance, that might seem a little silly: why put so much stress on a simple thing? But that's precisely the point. The fact that I am standing there and washing these bowls is a wondrous reality. I'm being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence, and conscious of my thoughts and actions. There's no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves.
- Thich Nhat Hanh | The Miracle of Mindfulness
It’s difficult to remain truly present. Our minds often take us ten steps forward, instead of enjoying where we are today. In this moment.
I’m particularly guilty of this behavior (though I’ve been working on cultivating presence for many years now).
I’m a natural planner and strategizer. I plan on a big scale, where I drum up new travel ideas, plan elaborate trips with friends, and create career goals and bucket lists. I do the same on a day-to-day basis. My mind pre-plans meals, thinks about what consulting project I’ll be doing next, and schedules dinner parties with friends— often weeks in advance.
The above Thich Nhat Hanh excerpt is a reminder to keep focusing on being present to the situation that is, versus the one I’m dreaming up in my head. (Of course, it’s okay for me to consider future events and plans, but overthinking the future won’t change what eventually occurs).
This same behavior of future-thinking has been happening in my relationships.
I recently met someone, who I’ll refer to as JP, for anonymity-sake. Soon after we started spending one-on-one time, my overthinking crept up. I created imaginary storylines, thinking about what might happen or how certain scenarios might pan out.
We hadn’t even started to explore the relationship more deeply, and my mind was wandering into Future-Trip Mode, versus Presence Mode. Presence Mode is when we’re able to focus on what is. We’re fully engaged in our current state, which means we’re able to enjoy it more. Future-Trip focuses on what could happen. It takes us into our neuroses, building internal anxieties that toss us around in a wave-like rhythm.
When it came to the connection with JP, my mind started the question game. It went something like this:
Are we compatible? Is there too much similarity or is there enough polarity? What if he wants to live in Lisbon forever? What if we start dating and it doesn’t work out— what does that mean for my social circle? What if we lose the friendship we’ve started to build?
(Side note, this is when we need to tell our reactive brains – “Thank you, I appreciate that you’re trying to question things and protect me, but I’m not going to engage with you on this.”)
Biologically speaking, the thoughts we get when we worry about what's coming next — called anticipatory anxiety — are linked to our natural fight or flight reaction, which has kept humans safe from harm for ages.
Even though we don't face the same dangers our ancestors did, we still have a habit of looking ahead. This was helpful in the past, because it meant people could get ready for what was new or difficult. But today, stressing too much about the future not only causes anxiety, it also limits us from being present with what is. Being trapped in our heads makes us numb to the present moment, which could be full of connection and learnings – if we allow it to be.
Instead of overthinking the future, we can do what Thich Nhat Hanh recommends, which is rooting ourselves in our bodies, following our breath, and becoming more conscious of our current reality. When we notice the overthinking, we can bring ourselves back to the current moment, and that which is controllable within it (oftentimes, it means letting go and realizing that we don’t have a crystal ball that will answer all our mind’s questions.)
Instead of being in Future-Trip Mode, I’m working on focusing on being more present. I’m practicing the allowance of each moment to unravel on its own. When Future-Trip Mode emerges, I listen to it for a moment, hear it out, and then release it. I don’t feed it with more attention.
This past week, I’ve been reminded that being present in any relationship requires that I allow a discovery to take place layer by layer, rather than becoming lost in the what-ifs and yearning for relationship answers before they’re ready to reveal themselves. It takes time to understand someone’s intricacies and see how their personality traits work alongside my own. Instead of future-tripping, I can focus my attention on the present, asking myself questions that root me in what is:
How does this relationship make me feel? Does it raise my vibration? Does it feel liberating? Is it expanding my sense of how I see the world? (P.S. The same types of questions can be applied to friendships, jobs, and other life experiences).
In truth, life is constantly changing. We are constantly changing. We never know what’s going to happen in two, three months down the line, or how we’ll feel about a given relationship or situation.
Living in the present versus the future allows us to stay attuned, make better decisions, and connect more deeply with ourselves and those around us. And that is the reality I’m here for.