Learning to ask for help
Learning to ask for help
The road to becoming more interdependent
Asking for help is challenging for me. Especially because I pride myself on my self-sufficiency.
Last week, I moved into my newly renovated apartment in Lisbon.
Beyond regular life and work commitments, the week was filled with furniture deliveries, utility appointments, moving my accumulated items, and renovation finalizations. I felt overwhelmed.
I can typically multi-task and manage the stressors of many things happening all at once, but this time brought along a lot of internal anxiety. (Although I physically moved to Lisbon in January, I’m realizing that I more strongly feel the effects of moving now, as I’m building a home from scratch and no longer subletting other people’s apartments.)
Even though I knew I could get support from my friends and boyfriend, I felt a resistance to asking for help. I played and replayed a narrative that said I had to do it all on my own.
I tend to think that I should handle things on my own, unless it’s a dire moment.
I learned to be self-reliant from a young age. As the first child of immigrant parents, I had to maneuver most things on my own; in many cases I couldn’t ask my mom and dad for help, because they were also new to the US, the school system, and American culture.
In addition to my first-generation upbringing, my mother and grandmother continually instilled values of independence in me. They were both dependent on the men in their lives and dreamed of operating with more freedom. Consequently, they urged me to be independent, to figure things out on my own, and always reminded me, “You don’t need anyone, especially a man, to get things done. It’s important that you do things on your own.”
I listened and internalized the hyper-independence.
Being self-sufficient is deemed successful in today’s world. Many of us even believe that being independent is linked with having it all figured out. We may end up avoiding asking for help because we’re afraid that we’ll appear dependent on others. Sometimes, we’re afraid that we’ll be seen as weaker or less capable if we can’t handle things on our own. Asking for help ends up tugging on our strings of neediness.
My boyfriend saw me lose vital energy and get frustrated through the process of moving and finalizing the renovation. “Are you really going to do everything on your own? Or will you finally ask for help?” he insisted multiple times.
I was overwhelmed, but instead of figuring out what I could delegate, my internal narrative took over, and with tunnel-vision, I began to retract emotionally and start checking off my to-do boxes.
I typically play the role of supportive friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend. I love helping my friends and family.
Asking for help makes me feel like I’m failing in some way, because I can’t handle the things that life is bringing my way. (I’m grateful for the life I have, so I often hear a voice inside my head saying, “You should be able to handle this on your own.”) This lack of asking for help is another way I’m hard on myself – believing that I must be able to do it all. It stems from the perfectionist tendency I mentioned a few weeks ago.
I’m also weary of burdening others with my tasks or challenges.
In truth, most of us don’t see friends or partners asking for help as a burden. People are eager to help – sometimes even energized— especially when they know it’s a challenging moment. Psychologically, helping others triggers happiness and satisfaction and activates the brain’s reward system (so it ends up being a win-win situation).
Though my recent moving example is small, asking for help applies to all aspects of life, whether they’re simple tasks that we’d appreciate help with or bigger emotional burdens that could use support. None of us are superhumans. We’re highly interdependent beings who need to remember that hyper-independence is not a virtue (especially me!). We’re meant to ask for help.
What my mother and grandmother didn’t tell me is that being hyper-independent can feel incredibly lonely. Doing everything on our own is also more challenging, and far less fun. No one’s benefitting from intense independence.
Since hyper-independence is no longer serving me, I’m learning to be gentler with myself. I’m realizing that I don’t have to do it all on my own. I’m beginning to ask my friends for help.
After I reached my brink of overwhelm this past week, I finally asked my boyfriend to help me. I overcame the resistance to ask for help, because our relationship provides me with the space to do so. It’s a space that encourages me to be more vulnerable and feel more of my feelings. It ultimately makes me feel more human.
(Plus! Whether it’s friendship, business, or romantic relationships, all partnerships demands symbiosis).
I no longer want to be the girl who does everything on her own and never asks for help. I want to build a life that’s interdependent with others, especially those closest to me. This change begins with evolving my belief system and asking for help when I need it. With little things, medium things, and the bigger things that’ll inevitably come up over time.
Is there something you could ask for help with today? What’s holding you back?