We need to rethink conflict
And why conscious relationships require more of us
Conflict is a part of love and relationships. All relationships.
Conflict is a natural result of diverse viewpoints, feelings, and world views coming into tension or opposition. It typically involves more emotional intensity or tension that escalates beyond a simple disagreement. (Side note: conflict is never an excuse for abuse, nor is it a reference to anger and fighting.)
Though conflict is inevitable, we can handle conflict more gently and positively when we’re intentional and aware. Instead of looking at conflict negatively, we can see that a collision of differing perspectives can be a chance for growth, understanding, and collaboration, as it offers an opportunity for individuals with alternate worldviews to come together. This happens when we turn toward the conflict and see it as an opportunity for growth in our relationships versus turning away when we enter a state of opposing ideas.
I used to be afraid that any conflict in a relationship— whether it was with a friend, a work situation, or an intimate relationship – was a bad thing. To be honest, sometimes it still feels like it’s a bad thing, as I’m learning to reframe how I view conflict.
As a recovering perfectionist, I feel all my relationships should be smooth sailing. If there’s conflict, I question and overthink things; I begin to consider the compatibility in a relationship, if the friendship is right for the long-term, or if the work project is worth the energy. I’ve avoided conflict at all costs, not speaking up about what was bothering me, and diminishing the conflict’s impact, for fear of what it might mean for a relationship.
This sentiment regarding conflict is likely because I didn’t witness positive, conscious conflict growing up. Conflict between my parents was handled with visceral frustration from my dad, tears from my mom, and passive-aggressiveness mixed in between (Side note: I’m not casting any blame on how I was raised. My parents did the best they could, and didn’t have the same resources and learnings that I’m grateful to be exposed to.) Over the years, I internalized the idea that any sign of conflict was bad; I assumed avoiding it was better than welcoming it with curiosity.
Since I’ve been working to heal relationships and behaviors from my past, I’ve learned that there’s a better way of handling conflict.
It begins with approaching challenges directly and using them as opportunities to strengthen our relationships. In this way, not only do our bonds grow stronger, but we also grow personally. When we openly address conflicts, unresolved issues no longer create minefields in our relationships. If we have fewer minefields, relationships become more accessible to navigate.
For instance, in nature, we see that buffalo instinctively face storms head-on, charging into them rather than fleeing. This strategy minimizes their exposure to harsh conditions and allows them to reach the other side faster than if they tried to escape. The same happens when we approach conflict directly; we’re able to work through it, and cross over to the other side.
Below are some principles that have been helping me address conflict more mindfully:
Tapping into Emotional Intelligence: Clear, respectful communication is the baseline. An openness to listening actively, avoiding judgements and assumptions, and responding calmly and thoughtfully helps create the right foundation for conscious conflict resolution.
Cultivating Self-Awareness: Really diving into our feelings. Recognizing what's happening beneath the surface of a conflict—whether the feelings are based on current emotions, the state of the world, or old wounds or unmet needs. I'll explore this idea further in an upcoming post, discussing how conflicts often aren't about what they seem.
Embracing Curiosity: Curiosity can guide us to resolve conflict more compassionately. By seeking to understand the other person's perspective and what influences their world view, we can listen more actively and become open to compromises that benefit both parties.
Being open to Compromise: I wrote about this recently, explaining that it’s valuable to make the effort to discover a middle ground that honors and respects both people involved in a relationship (or any situation, really). By understanding and respecting each person’s needs and viewpoints while staying true to ourselves, we can find a balanced way forward together.
When we can reframe the problems we have with others as opportunities to dive deeper and to learn more about ourselves and the other, we can create more connection and ultimately grow our relationships.
What’s your perspective on conflict? Has it evolved over time?
