My mom wishes I would share her traditional beliefs, especially when it comes to faith. I long for her to become free-thinking and curious, letting go of beliefs that keep her tethered.
There’s a minor passive-aggressive tug of war between what each one of us wants from the other. We hope that the other one will understand our perspective; we also want our point of view to be accepted.
I’ve taken my mom to retreats at Esalen, yoga shalas in Tulum, and introduced her to breathwork and meditation. Not long ago, I ordered her a copy of the Untethered Soul.
I’ve been attempting to get my mom to understand the mindset that I’ve been working to cultivate, so she can understand who I am today, versus who I used to be; it’s important for me to be understood for who I am and how I’ve changed.
I’ve also been sharing my spiritual practice with my mom because I want her to set herself free from the confines of her thinking, especially the pain and hurt (I believe) she holds onto because of the divorce with my dad. I want her to see things differently and not have her identity be interconnected with a relationship of the past.
Close connections, especially those with family, possess an interplay of expectations and assumptions. We often expect that loving one another means that the other person should completely resonate with us. We project the idea that that if someone isn’t like us, they don’t understand us. In reality, agreement and understanding are two different things. We also place our viewpoints onto our loved ones, because we think we know what’s best for them. We assume that what worked for us, will work for them.
When it comes to our mothers, we’re related and interconnected, but we’re also autonomous. I can’t expect my mom to be how I am, and I can’t expect myself to be how she is. Just because we have an idea or image of how something should be, or how someone should act, also doesn’t mean that’s how it needs to be.
We can’t get our loved ones to behave how we believe they should. We can’t speed up the process of their growth or change. And we definitely can’t make them think how we want them to think.
It’s possible to be in a place of understanding the other, while letting go of the expectation of them agreeing with us. We can do this by witnessing one another; we can allow our loved ones to show up how and when they’re able to, consider what they’re experiencing, and appreciate their unique life experience. To really understand one another, we need to look at things from their perspective. To put ourselves in their psyche, or at least ask the questions that allow us to better understand it.
When I’m going through inner turmoil about relationship assumptions or expectations, I also like to remind myself that my mom and I are more similar than we are different. We both love many of the same things, like hiking, traveling, and exploring. We have empathetic souls, feeling things deeply, and we exude our sensitivity to others. We have faith in some type of higher power, though we communicate it differently (hers is more traditionally religious and mine is more new-age and energy-related). We’re both even-keeled, thoughtful, family-oriented, love the sun, and enjoy spontaneous dance parties.
Though we have these similarities, it's the tension in our mother-daughter bond that has allowed me to grow the most and to understand my mom more deeply. Difficult conversations help us to challenge our assumptions and expectations. They serve as a gentle reminder that we can cultivate positive relationships with our mothers, or anyone else for that matter, even in the presence of differences. This is especially true when we free ourselves from assumptions and expectations.
My relationship with my mom continues to teach me where I need to take a step back from trying to put my viewpoint and personal dogma onto others. It shows me where I need to let go of assuming what’s best for people other than myself. And it reminds me to let go of expectations of how someone else should behave or what they should believe. A relationship has the most room to grow when we accept someone for who they truly are, without wanting them to be different in any way. (More on this another time.)
“Though they are with you they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts… You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you.” Excerpt from “On Children” by Kabil Gibran, shared by a dear friend.