“What did you have in mind for the sheets?” I asked my boyfriend while prepping dinner.
JP walked into the kitchen.
“Can you explain what you mean?” he asked, not having seen that the machine cycle had finished.
I attempted to clarify, “Do you want to air dry them? Or dry them in the machine? (Yes, we’re in Portugal—air drying is part of the routine.)
JP looked at me, “Is that what you want me to help with?”
I paused, spoon in hand. “Well… I guess what I really want is for you to help me with the laundry. I’m cooking dinner and I’d rather not manage both.”
“Got it,” he said, smiling. “Of course, I’ll help. But next time, you can just ask me what you really want, otherwise I’m guessing.”
I often hint at what I want, even when I know exactly what it is I want.
I drop subtle clues or frame a question in a way that feels safer, instead of being direct. Being clear and upfront makes me feel vulnerable. And being vulnerable—exposing what I truly need or want—can feel uncomfortable for me.
Many of us struggle with directly communicating our desires. We fear rejection, judgment, or even being labeled as needy. Many of us hint at what we want, versus stating it outright. We avoid the topic altogether. We frame what we want but follow it up with a joke. We circle around a topic, never asking directly. (Side note: For women especially, there’s often an added layer of conditioning—an ingrained belief that asking for what we want might make us look selfish, or like a burden of some sort.)
We sometimes assume people can read our minds and know exactly what’s going on inside of us. In truth, this is impossible. No one will ever know what we want, unless we ask for it (even those closest to us!) Clear communication is the foundation of conscious relationships, and it helps us develop more understanding, prevent miscommunication, and create opportunities for shared growth.
The good news is that asking for what we want is a skill—and like any skill, it can be learned and refined. The only thing we need to do to get better at it, is to practice asking.
Whether it’s asking our partner to be more involved with household chores, requesting a raise at work, or inviting our parents to visit us, we must make our desires known. If we don’t express our needs, they’re unlikely to be met—and we might find ourselves feeling unseen or unfulfilled (or worse, resentful, even when the person on the other side has no idea.)
When making a request, we can be straightforward, saying exactly what’s on our mind, or we can choose to be vulnerable, fostering a deeper connection with the person we’re asking. By opening up more, we might say something like this:
“I feel overwhelmed, can you please help me with this?”
“I feel disconnected when we don’t spend time together. Can we plan a date night this week?”
“I’ve been needing an escape from work. Are you open to booking a trip together in February?”
The clearer and more specific we are, the easier we make it for others to understand our requests. (Side note! This requires self-awareness and knowing what it is we want in the first place. More on this in a future post.) While there’s no guarantee we’ll always get what we ask for, the act of clearly and courageously asking creates room for honesty, understanding, and sometimes even a “yes.”
My dad has always reminded me, “If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.” And he’s right. Asking opens the door to possibility.
I’ve been practicing the art of asking for what I want –clearly— and it’s been a game-changer. Recently, I came across a hotel just outside of Lisbon that a friend had stayed at. Instead of merely hinting at the idea, I texted my boyfriend the link and said, “I’d love for us to visit here in the next few months.” Clear and straightforward. (P.S. He surprised me and booked the hotel for us for later that week.)
Earlier this week, I was deep in the chaos of prepping Christmas dinner. The kitchen was heating up, and so was my multi-tasking. This time, instead of silently struggling, I turned to JP and asked, “Can you please head to the market and grab some seabass? I want to focus on cooking this morning and still have time to work out afterward.”
This new habit isn’t just limited to my personal life. I reached out to an old client recently, asking if they had any exciting work projects on the horizon. This is something I wouldn’t have done before, but with an open calendar for early next year, it seemed like the right opportunity to take a chance and ask for what I want.
As the year winds down, take time to reflect where in your life you can more courageously ask for what you want. You may not always get a “yes,” but by practicing this skill, you’ll live more authentically and open the door to deeper understanding and connection.
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