Addicted to the wrong type of love? So was I.

What changes when healing happens

Three years ago, I kept attracting relationships that didn’t fully choose me.

And the ones who were kind and wanted to build something real — the nice guys — didn’t feel like an option I was interested in.

But the unavailable ones? The ones who wouldn’t (and couldn’t) commit?

I magnetized them repeatedly.

I accepted scraps from someone who could only offer me a place in his rotating roster.

I chose the man who went back and forth on his feelings, unsure if he liked me or not.

I entertained the guy who considered me his soul mate — until things got real. (Then, he decided he just wanted something casual.)

And I stayed in that cycle for a long time.

Eventually, who I became attracted to shifted—because I changed.

We often think we’re attracting certain relationships. But more often, we’re still choosing them.

When we do the work to change ourselves, what we’re drawn to changes, too.

I hear it all the time: “I wish I liked someone like him, but he’s just not my type.”

That’s often the point to explore.

It’s important that we do the work until our nervous system, our standards, and our entire sense of self will no longer accept anything less than kindness, consistency, and care.

We have to learn that chaos is not chemistry. (Side note: Sometimes, the nice person isn’t our type. Nice doesn’t necessarily mean instant compatibility. But nice is table stakes in any healthy relationship.)

After I stopped choosing the wrong ones, it was quiet for a while. There were crickets.

But in that silence, I learned to hear myself again. I took the time to weed out what was right for me, from what was wrong. I learned to be receptive to the ones who chose me, prioritized me, and elevated my life (the same way I was choosing to add to theirs). I learned to say no more quickly to what didn’t align.

Here’s what helped me get there:

• I faced my own blocks—the ones that kept love at arm’s length. There’s a beautiful Rumi quote that says, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

• I realized I had to learn to feel worthy of good, healthy love from the opposite sex, without a need to perform or be perfect. I had to become a willing receiver of it. This went hand in hand with the next point.

• I did subconscious reprogramming on relationships. This included self-hypnosis through a variety of tools. (Feel free to reach out if you want recommendations!)

• I started noticing romantic relationships that were what I desired: beautiful, healthy, and inspiring. I primed my brain for what was possible.

• Most importantly, I started making different choices in who I connected with, who I went on dates with, and the types of men I chose. I did this again and again, even when it was hard.

In the process, I learned that change doesn’t stick when we just think differently. Change becomes reality when we live differently. True growth happens when our learning turns into lived wisdom; when it shows up in how we move through the world.

Zach Bush says that “Healing doesn’t happen in the intellect. It happens when we change how we live, breathe, connect, and love.”

A few weeks ago, I was visiting friends in Paris, and bumped into someone I’d once had a short love affair with.

Though we had a few nice moments during our brief connection, he ultimately turned out to be quite self-centered and mean. He was always playing games and made it seem like making time for me was a hassle. Still, I had initially been drawn to him, and yearned for his affection and attention.

Three years later, I found myself in a completely different place. When I ran into him, there was no more pull toward this kind of man. I recalled the fun moments (though very hazily!) and also recognized how far I’d come in my relationship choices.

I hadn’t just intellectualized my way into change—I had lived it.

And the shift in me shows up in who I’m drawn to today. The partner I have. The relationship I’ve built – one that’s filled with honesty, teamwork, kindness, intimacy, and so much fun.

That day in Paris, I felt a deep sense of pride in myself. I had done the difficult work to break old patterns and open the door to a new kind of loving relationship.

The relationship I’m in now is unlike anything I’ve experienced before—and that’s why I choose to share it with you. Not because it’s perfect, but because it’s real, deep, and was worth all the challenging relationships I experienced before it.

I believe it's essential to witness examples of healthy, grounded love so we can expand our vision of what's possible. After all, that’s one thing that helped me get to where I am today.

If I can shift from being a magnet for unavailable men to choosing someone healthy, loving, and sincere—you can, too.

There’s nothing like a sweet, expansive, healthy love ♡ Photo of us, by my dear friend Mallory Kaye